DT Dick of the Week – Round 5

Gather Round is done for the first time and we can stop pretending selling 15000 to Adelaide Oval tickets is a sellout and we can stop scrolling past stories about whatever jab the SA Prem has taken at whatever other state or person he’s thinking of at that moment.  Farewell SA, nice job.

Still have to change that name though don’t we?  Lets get creative.  I hated the Gather Round name so much as I could just see Gil Mac leaning back on his Chesterfield coach on the Zoom call when the names were floated and saying “oooh, clever, go with that” with that insufferably smug grin on his dial as he plonked his loafer covered hooves on the coffee table.  Just too cute for me.  Sell the name off for coin.  Gil the Dill has shown he’s up for making coin regardless of sensibility.  Hollywood would love the possibility to get in on it as they do in their sports.  We missed the chance this year to have John Wick brand the round of footy with the Wick Round.  Tom Cruise is reprising his Jack Reacher character next year so I’m all for the Reacher Round in 2024.

Anyway, this is Dick talk here so let’s stick with that.  Scoring was low this week again as evidenced by me shooting up 20k by scoring only 2115.  You all must have been struggling with things.  Holding Will Day meant more rookie grossness on the field for many.  But there were guys out there Dicking you who weren’t suspended and this is where we highlight the sticky mess they left behind in your team sheet.

A few positive Dicks again.  Harry Sheezel is yet to be named here and that’s because he’s been as far from a Dick of DT as you can get in his rookie year.  This time next year he’ll be clearly the best player in the comp I’d suggest if recent history repeats.  This year though he just handed us hist first non-100 score.  Legendary start for young H.

James Worpel has been less than stellar this year but not an actually devastating disappointment either.  I noticed a dip in his ownership by a few % leading into the games this week and that was enough to convince me to hold this almost disappointing Hawk and see if he could do better when things got moist.  Day out, Worpel up and about.  He made many coaches rage by serving them up a 114.  Making coaches rage can be Dick-ish James.

Previous DoW winner Justin Longmuir looked on track to cop another one this week for a range of reasons, none bigger than defending everyone on the ground other than Jack Lukosius for 2.5qtrs.  Thankfully for Freo someone woke up JL2 in time to stem that flow but Jack’s 111 was out of the box for this year as was teammate David Swallow’s 125.  I’ll avoid any Swallow jokes in this piece but point out JL2 played a half fit Luke Ryan on both Lukosius and Swallow to poor effect in stopping either of them and forcing his owner’s to swallow a Luke Ryan 69.  Let’s move on before we breach our PG rating.

A brief mention in the Dick piece for Ken Hinkley, Chris Fagan and now Ross Lyon.  Firstly Kenny tries to tag Naicos with young Jones who gets absolutely pantsed.  Instead of trying someone else Kenny just says stuff it and let’s Nicky go mental.  Seeing that Jones couldn’t get the job done both Fagan and Lyon decide that Naicos is untaggable and, despite both having options, also let the young man run butt naked and free.  Watching Jones fail as a tagger and deciding that then no one can do it is about as weird a logic jump as you can get.  It’s as if aliens landed here, spoke only to Mark Latham and then decided we were all raging morons and took off.  Maybe explore another option or 2 folks!  Let’s see if the boy can handle the attention.  I’m thinking he can but lets see it shall we?  You’re up B-Scott and prongs go out to Kenny, Fages and the Boss.

Whilst we’re off field, Dick mentions to Ch7 for trying to turn Cotchin’s reaction to getting subbed in to a story.  I’m stunned Kane Corney hasn’t jumped all over it to try to clickbait his way to trending again but what a nothing story that was.  Glad it got no legs.

On field we had some real carnage this week.  Sammy Switta got injured and scored only 2 this week as his coach seemed to forget he couldn’t run out last week’s game due to injury and played him anyway.  Dan McStay beat Switta by 1 after injuring a finger.  That must have been bad to go out so early.  Jye Simpkin was killing lots of pigs early as he made his way to 48 in about 5 mins but then copped a nasty hand injury as well and now looks set for a stint out.  Hopefully not long for Classic or, more likely, Draft owners.  There was sub carnage too as Mackenzie got the vest and killed our cash generation with only 20.

I think its worth noting too that we finally got to see Will Gould.  I don’t think there’s ever been a player who has appeared in as many pre-season Classic teams as Placeholder Will.  Right from his first year he was everywhere.  Even now he’s somehow in 6% of teams – how?  Well at least his family can cancel the missing persons report and rest easy.  Big Willy got his callup and did ok too.  35pts in only 47% gametime is decent work for the young fella.

I’m not booing the kid but 18% of coaches who owned him will want JHF to get a mention again.  67 score for a 67 average is not what round 1 promised them.  His last quarter stopped a real disaster but regardless of how much Kenny likes the young guy, 67 isn’t cutting in the Fantasy realm.  He’s Dick adjacent once again and has been every week since that Rd 1 outlier.

Also adjacent and needing to haul themselves off for a good review of how they’ve behaved for us this week are LDU (76), Josh Kelly (79), Patty Cripps (81), Brodie Grundy (81) and the ever present Jack Macrae (86).  Michael Voss needs a prong call here too I think.  In what world is it the best option to stick your number 1 mid in to ruck contests?  You played 2 of them Crazy Vossy, 1 got his scone opened up but the other was still there and so was Jack Silvagni who’s own Dad doesn’t even care about him enough to watch him.  Throw them in there instead of your prized mid asset.  Think of the Fantasy coaches Vossy!

Now though we get to the finalists for the Dick of the Week.  Once again a tough call this week but once again I’m sure there’ll be plenty of people who are already raging away at the names I mention from here on in.  In fact 2 of the names are almost the same.  2 Dick candidates in the one week from the one family has already happened and it’s on again

Andrew Brayshaw was meant to be the ever reliable one for us this year.  With Rory Lairdy faltering and the scary Rd 1 Bye that talked many of us out of having him in the rear-view mirror, Andy B was rock solid for us…or so it seemed.  Well it sure as hell wasn’t this week for you AB coaches was it!  Andy you can’t be grabbing only 18 possies when you’re a popular C pick in many teams.  Scoring this week was down across the board and that board should look you square in the eye and say “Lift!”  Tags were always his owners biggest concern but his bounce backs are usually solid so we can expect a rebound this week.

The next 2 were so very close and I simply couldn’t split them on most metrics.  Just missing out on the DoW this week was a very lucky James Sicily.  He avoiding a Dicking last week by the barest of margins for a terrible go around as I gave him some credit for having to lock down on Jeremy Cameron, albeit failing to do anything about him.  This week, he was saved from another sub 70 score by a bogus 100m penalty that even had the umpire spinning in circles trying to work out which way he’d paid it.  That 12pts from a mark and goal boosted a sick score from the Sic Dog and gave his coaches good reason to banish him this week.  That’s 2 almost Dick’s in 2 weeks for Captain James after a massive 132 the week before that.  With a BE of 138 now he’s a real worry for coaches and frankly, should have a Dick on his CV about now.  You’re making 30-% of the coaches in the league sick James, time to un-Dick yourself.

The fact Sic Dog narrowly avoids this week’s DoW can only mean one thing.  Yes, you guessed it, Andy’s big bro is now a Big Dick and Angus “Gussy” Brayshaw is this week’s recipient of the DT Talk Dick of the Week for week 5 2023.

Now I unfortunately (or maybe not) missed this game and the huge upset it contained so I can’t talk much to the specifics but I can surmise that Gus must have been running around with his helmet on backwards on the weekend to end up with a paltry 45.  That’s a half time score Gus!

All the talk about Gussy pre-season was whether the midfield mix was right, whether the defensive mix would be OK and whether he’d score.  Anyone who picked him answered Yes to one or more of those questions.  And it was a lot of coaches who did that.  I’ve played against Gussy each week so far in one of my 2 leagues and he’s always scared me, not any more.

45!  Holy moly that’s some shit.  Just for context, Jake Bowey hasn’t hit that floor this year and he’s, you know, he’s Jake Bowey!  Gus was meant to double and triple the output there.  Even the Lizard hasn’t hit that floor yet.  Both those guys can play Gus but come the ever loving shit ON!  You’re a premo who’s meant to leave those guys in an ample cloud of dust.

I have no idea if Gus had his helmet on right or not but this has been a season long thing for him.  He hasn’t hit a Don yet and has been stinking the joint up.  For the love of all things Holy Gus, Andrew McGrath would be an upgrade.

So with all that we need to decide.  What is to become of Gus.  As always this depends on other issues but if you have the chance, get him OUT.  This is a Dick you just can’t hold.  Role, scoring, scale of hardness, CBA’s, kick-ions, haircuts, Christian names and anything you can think of are all telling you one thing.  Ditch this Dick.

OK we’re almost at the quarter pole of the season believe it or not so things are starting to take shape Dick wise here.  We have a leader board forming and this will be posted for the first time after next week when more than 25%^ of the games have been played.  Its tight for the DoW right now and it’s a tie for first with one of the leading Dicks not having won a weekly award just yet.  More will be revealed next week.

Remember to send in your league Dicks to dicksofDT@gmail.com to get a chance at winning some of Moreira’s Magic for next year.

Trade hard, have fun and enjoy the ride Fantasticals.

See you next week.