DT Dick of the Week Round 14

Howdy again Legends, even those who hate-read this piece each week, I love you’se all and I feel your pain.  Bye week dramas really hit the teams this coming week but I think Round 14 was about the easiest one to navigate other than the pseudo-bye when we only had Cats and Suns dudes hitting the bars.

More slinging dramas again as the ongoing Clown Show that is the MRP and Tribunal struck again.  Some weeks pinning the arms is getting you done, other weeks when you don’t pin the arms it’s because your action was harsh, other weeks a footy act is ok but the week before there is no such thing as a footy act in a “sling”.  Confused yet?  Not as much as the Bozo handing out the bans.  This crap is as easy to read as the Bible and as reliable as Test match weather in England.

Before we get started it seems this dark and dingy corner of the internet may have had some influence on some area of the Big House where they do the AFL App work.  I noticed a few weeks ago that something we had called for here had started to happen and was delighted to see it.  The propellor heads in the App office are now putting Subbed In and Subbed Out on the App scores.  Kudos to you guys for getting it done.  It makes life SO much easier and not just for Fantasy, good on you Lads!

Thankfully this week most of the action this week was onfield, at least the stuff I’m going to cover anyway.    In the games, Freo continued their playing Byes by not showing up against Pipes Kingsley and his improving Orange Crush outfit.  The Dockers got a pounding that Mia Khalifa would enjoy and it showed in the onfield scoring.  Trade-in targets Hayden Young (79), Matty Johnson (37) and Nat Fyfe (47) all made coaches howl in differing levels of anger.  Johnson wasn’t helped by being subbed out for Neil Erasmus and Coach Longmuir showed again he’d much rather have old list cloggers running around doing nothing (Banfield) rather than develop the plethora of top shelf youth he has at his disposal who could be racking up points for us Fantasy experts.  Pipes was just as unkind to us Fantasy freaks by vesting Ryan Angwin (2) and outright ditching future Hall of Famer in Josh Fahey.  Bye weeks are when we need some understanding from the real coaches but Pipes and JL2 were having none of it.

To start the week we had a clash of last years Flaggers and an increasingly likely this year’s Flag stealer in the Cats and Port.  Kenny Hinkley continued his “Up Yours” tour to those who wanted him sacked as he continues to win back Port fans and added another chapter to his great story.  He did it this week by falling behind early but then getting his boys to run over the Cats.  Noone really stood out in the game in terms of Fantasy points but there were some boys who flicked us the bird in terms of scoring.  Frozen Butters was disappointing for about the 2nd time this year and even then didn’t really stink it up too much with a 77.  Just behind him was the go for broke option for some coaches in Mitch Duncan.  His 74 was hardly the game his new owners were looking for.  Tommy Stewart (66) continues to be a Star one week and a Dunce the next.  This time he had the pointy white hat on and was getting pelted with stale lunches by classmates as his 66 really did stink the joint up.

Friday night was a big VC option night but the 2 best options in Errol Gulden (108) and Josh Dunkley (113) gave owners more questions than answers.  Dunks in particular left his VC’ers with a pretty tough choice.  Errol made it a little easier but I’m betting a few looped him in.  Dunks was the worst though as he was expected to go bunta but instead went meh.  Meanwhile Big OMacca gave us a game he has once a decade by flexing those weirdly attached arms for a massive 134.  If anyone VC’d Big O send me the proof andf I’ll buy you a Hilux* for your balls. (* no I won’t).  Luke Parker came from his reast all full of anger and points and hit us with a 126 that made owners grin like a cat who ate the mouse that had been swimming in cream.  Not as high as those boys but a little pat on the rump must go young Gussy Sheldrick (82) for once again exposing his doubters as shallow, mean and dumb.  He’s a almost legit M8, F6 option post byes for those looking to risk it for a biscuit by cashing up in other areas.  It really is tough to take the name Angus seriously in any physical endeavour but Shelly and Bray are flying the Gus flag high and proud.

Another name that’s hard to get excited about it Chad.  The Kornes variety of Chad is particularly horrendous and has taken every inch of credibility off the moniker in my view.  The recent form of the Warner version in Sydney had been doing something to address the slide of the Chad name but his 72 on the weekend was good reminder to us all that Chad’s are nothing but trouble.

In great news for the Voss family and every other suffering Blues fan, it seems they can start going to games again and stop calling in to yell about the Crest as most of their boys have seemingly remembered how to football.  In perhaps the best news, their Skipper in Crippa was back to his almost best as he put aside his dislike of Strawberry blonde coaches and finally tonned up, collecting 3 snags along the way.  Even better were Sam Docherty (124) who continues to make Lance Armstrong look worse each week by performing in a top notch fashion without horse steroids running through his system.  The Cherry Bomb continues his initially stalled breakout year by giving us 122 handy as buggery points and giving non-owners yet another nearly premo priced option to consider.  Paddy Dow continues his farewell tour of the Blues facilities with another vest affected score, this time of 24 in only 20% TOG.  Saints fans who will SURELY be cheering on Paddy next year should be encouraged by the fact he’s showing continued points potential and his only flaw is Vossy won’t pick him.   Diving futher and further down our Fantasy “like” lists is the now perplexing Sam Walsh who was better this week at 82 but it’s still well down on his owner’s expectations and needs.  As was Matty Rowell’s 80.  Matty has been less than stellar recently after a patch of form more purple than King Charles’s g-string but the last few have been uglier than the new Queen’s head.  Sammy Walsh is really the story though, there’s no real obvious reason for his recent cod average form and that’s the biggest concern for any of his owners.  Each week has become a crap shoot and Sammy was anything but that in happier times.

A big Traders controversy this week was how Calvin could have Timmy Taranto as his number 1 C option but then describe how he might not even VC him.  Timmy responded to this slight by whacking out a 147 to remind every single Fantasy coach that if you don’t C this bloke, you’re just not thinking straight.  The only time not to C him is if you’ve VC’d him in the first game of the round just for fun.  Timmy Time is fun time and he’s now uber reliable and uber premo.

Also shooting to the stars in terms of scoring and reliability is the big lanky midfield Dog gun in The Bont.  Taranto would have been very happy with his 147 and his mates would have been counting the cash in their multi’s for having him as top Fantasy scorer for the weekend.  In bad news for them, The Bont was sharpening his spikes and pulling on his SuperBont lycra undies and had no other thought than making every Roo who came at him look stupid.  His 158 was impressive enough but how he got them was even better.  The Bont did the lot and then added mayo on it just for fun.  What a game.  Timmeh English (134) did a great job too but he was well overshadowed by his Skipper.  Jack Macrae (83) reminded new owners sucked in by the DPP what he’ll do to you and non-owners why we won’t go near him.  Worse was Bailey Smith (78) who’s scoring this year must have Bevo re-thinking making him live clean and controversy free.  Jy Simpkin was his bad self this week with a 71 and unfortunately rookie sensation Georgie Wardlaw (31) was a major downer this week.

So once again we get to the  dirty 3 that really ruined our weekends over this Fantasy Bye round.  Liam Baker is single handedly ruining the Stats around the Dick Bounce and he has to be a trade out if you’re still holding this former Dick.  A 59 this week was bad enough but its now a string of horrible scores that is making any owners wish they’d never seen his sparkly mullet flying around the Tigers grounds.  He was pretty close to another Dicking this week but was beaten by poorer efforts.

Next up is the conundrum that is the Saints Skipper Jack Steele (60).  His score may have been slightly higher than Liam’s but his impact was wider and worse.  Whilst both have similar ownership numbers, Jack is carrying more weight of expectation and would be sitting higher in the teams he’s in.  We thought it was a knee issue but The Boss has said enough to make us doubt that so what is it with Jack that makes him hate the footy and his owners so much.  His form is worse than a David Warner English summer and he’s doing about as much to help his team as Warner will do this Ashes series.  It’s time to send out the search party for the REAL Jack Steele as we all miss that reliable, high scoring stud SO much.

A Steele Dicking would have been the go this week if not for another previously donged player who had actually been showing some outstanding form in recent weeks and was getting himself mentioned as sure fire superstar again.  His ownership was rebounding and the need for his coaches and GM to angrily ring beer manufacturers and speak out about boo-ing was a distant memory.  Jason Horne-Francis had really done some wonderful gear in recent games and 15% of coaches out there were either jumping on him as a rebounding scorer or had held him close in a show of faith that would make Jesus himself proud.  However, this week Jason Horne-Francis took the week off and his early season alter-ego JHF came back to party.  JHF hates footy fans and he hates the footy.  He hates both those things more than a toddler hates broccoli covered in VB.  The only thing JHF hates more than fans and footy is Fantasy points.  This week he gave us all a gruesome reminder of all of that hate as he gave his owners 34 points to cry and gnash their teeth about.  I’m not a booer, and when its Goodes type booing I’ll rage against it.  But there’s something about 34 points coupled with big smiles and high fives with his mates that would make me think about it a bit.  As a result JHF gets the round 14 DT Dick of the Week.  His score was bad enough for it but when you do it in game 1 of the weekend of footy for your owners and you do it with 76% TOG and a combined count of 2 for tackles and marks you get extra points for cruelty.   I’d rather watch a highlight reel of Moeen Ali and his blister narrated by Kelli underwood for 3hrs than watch that sort of output if I owned the future gun.

There it is my friends, another Dick of the Week crowned and enshrined.  Once again, any league shenanigans worthy of note flick them through to me at dicksofdt@gmail.com.  Enjoy your weekends folks and all the very best to each and every one of you.