Dick of the Week Round 13

Welcome back to the darkest little corner of the internet my Fantastical friends.  The easiest Bye week in the history of the caper was had on the weekend and once again, we had our boys out there doing great things and earning bouquets and others doing damage and making us look for bricks.  We also saw a dude get locked up for alleged burglary and some other more nasty gear.  The timing of that was as weird as hell wasn’t it?  Did the Police find the key piece of evidence just after the siren? Did someone at the game walk up to a local Copper and go “excuse me sir I think I’ve found the guy who stole my stuff, he’s out there” and point out to the ground?  So weird he wasn’t pinched before the game but I suspect the Commissioner has a Draft League team in which our man was running out for him so he said to the Head of Division “hold off until after the game mate, I can’t trade or shift him off the ground and I really need to beat the Commissioner of Police in Victoria so arrest him then”.  Weird as hell and I hope it all works out for everyone involved.

On to the games and we make history again this week in our DoW.  I know the photo gives it away but just in case you don’t know the guys you pick by their faces I like to keep the suspense going in the body of the article.  So we’ll pretend we don’t know yet Patty Cripps is, yet again, our Dick of the week for now and look around the league a bit first.

Firstly, a congrats to Caro for coming out publicly and apologising to the Cripps and Docherty families, taking full responsibility and giving yourself a 1-week penalty in pay by donating that amount to Beyond Blue.  Oh wait, no she didn’t, instead there was a 1min piece on 9 News only in Melbourne where you weren’t even sighted and instead you made the 15yr old looking Intern get on camera and say Footy Classified had reached out to Patty and apologised.  You gutless, ethic-free and morally bankrupt joke.  You and the Jabba The Hutt looking freak who runs that show, amongst other media debacles, should both be ashamed of yourselves but that would take a level of human decency clearly missing in you both.  I Googled “Caroline Wilson apology” expecting to see something there and all I can find is her banging on about how cruel people can be when they were criticising her for yet another garbage take back in 2021.  I found more than 20 articles on that moralising and whining about her treatment where she was going on about people taking responsibility and accountability and being held to higher standards and who should be made an example of.  Yet again though she’s locked down in her coffin and letting it all wash past whilst waiting for another opportunity to assume the moral high ground.  Hutchy and Caro avoided the Dick of the Week this week mostly because they just aren’t Fantasy relevant and it’s not in the spirit of the DoW fun angle we take.  Vomit inducing garbage from both Caro and Jabba.

And now, on to the Fantasy relevant gear we all love so much.  We kicked things off on Friday with a game that looked like it was going to join the annals of history as the worst game ever played for a while.  Thankfully with these low scoring ones, they tend to remain close so interest was maintained to some extent for the whole night.  RoMarshall (129) was a colossus for his owners and those that VC’d him and Brad Crouch bounced back to form with a handy 123, he must not have seen that Jack Steele (88) was out there but we’re getting close to both guys racking up big numbers in the same game so fingers crossed there for owners of those guys.  Errol Gulden felt the weight of the blue dot on his back as he carried that VC with him like it was an icepack in his undies.  Not being able to get back on the ground after an interchange for almost 10mins in both the 1^st and 3^rd quarters was a sad tale for him but those of us who VC’d him at least got an easy call to look elsewhere as he came in with an acceptable but not loop worthy 83.  What was more noteworthy was the game from rookie Gussy Sheldrick who scorched his doubters with a 79.  Great effort from him as we look far and wide for a bit of cash to come in to the coffers.  I have no idea how long this lasts for Angus but it was a nice sugar hit for dam sure.  I doubt many would have thought he’s be in the scoring 18 over Tom Green down at GWS’s game in Tassie where he could only manage a 73.  You’d have got huuuuuuge odds on that one.

On Saturday we had Josh Dunkley smash out a 145 and I’m betting he was a popular VC too as his Lions went up against a Hawks outfit they were expected to manhandle.  As it turns out they didn’t handle them at all but Dunks still lived up to his side of the bargain.  Serial donged Lion Lachie Neale was at his best too with a hot score of 124 which will make him a popular fallen Premo trade-in for those with strong stomachs and short memories.  Personally, I’m not bringing the little unicorn in to a Flippers team ever again but I do get the attraction.  James Sicily and his alter ego Sic Dog were the big story out of this game.  The reason for the best sound drop on The Traders podcast was evident again this week as Sic Dog smashed a losing Lion which is going to see him suspended again.  This sort of trouble was meant to be in the past now Sicko was the Big C at the Hawks but it seems we can’t rely on him even with the C hat.  Thankfully, James was also there and he gave his coaches a very decent 130 on the way out to the bench.  Now owners will wait for the complete debacle that is the AFL tribunal to learn his fate.  With the drunk monkey that runs that show we can expect anything from 1 up to 8 weeks, watch this space.

The worst part of this game was the worst part of any game where this commentator gets a run.  Kelli Underwood is a freaking mystery right up there with Michael Christian and the Tribunal Circus and a bunch of other people I’ve mentioned this year who are just so clearly bad at their jobs but keep getting run out in it.  “How is this Fantasy relevant Flipper?” I hear you ask and point taken but to me its relevant because so many games are watched by us Fantasy coaches when we don’t have a dog in the fight and so we have it on in the background just to keep track and see how our soldiers are doing.  Especially those of us with Kids.  When you’ve got someone who is as bad at calling as Kunderwood it makes it very hard to follow along.  However, when someone is not only bad at their job, but they are in an audio medium in terms of her product being consumed and listening to her is actually physically painful it beggars belief she keeps getting calls.  She’s got haemorrhoids on her adenoids which makes her voice a listed form of unacceptable torture in the CIA Handbook.  Fair dinkum, I swear the 24hr torture that was banned at Guantanamo Bay was Kunderwood on loop calling a freak goal 15 seconds after the ball had sailed into the crowd.  She’s always behind, often inaccurate and listening to her is like someone has turned you on your head, waxed your arse with coarse sandpaper, bleached it, gone at it with a grater and is now pouring lemon juice and Da Bomb Hot Sauce in between your cheeks.  Give us a rest Fox and ABC, she’s not only bad, she’s also torture – there’s SO many female options you can use, get on it.

In a fun game to watch Jack Macrae (129) and Frozen Butters (121) put in top games.  The Butters show had more backup dancers than Macrae had which gave Port the win and Bevo more headaches.  Finally, some noise out there about what a good coach would do with that Dogs list.  The head scratcher in this sound bite was serial mediot Kane Cornes making a good point about Bevo’s weird results with a  strong list but he chose to make his point by asking what “Ross Lyon and Sam Mitchell” would do with the Dog list.  I mean are they the top 2 coaches to use as examples at the moment?  I can sort of see why you’d pick Lyon as he’s made a career out of getting more out of lists than we all thought possible but Sam Mitchell???  When did we start stroking this pole as a coaching heavy weight.  What about the Premiership coaches Kane you dope?  Scott (the good one), Goodwin, Longmire and even retired Hardwick would be great examples and even Nicks, Hinkley and Macrae much better ones as non-GF winners.  This Cornes bloke makes Bozo the Clown look like Albert Einstein and every time I am forced to read anything he says I feel the need to get a scan on my brain to make sure he hasn’t given me an idiot induced tumour.

There were some dongs due in this game too that aren’t Cornes related.  Timmy English was DoW worthy in this one, especially with a 2pt first quarter.  Calvin had Timmy in his Captains list this week but had forgotten that the Port Ruck Points ATM was closed when Scotty Lycett got over his injuries and started making Port Ruck hard to score against again.  To get to where he got after a 2 pointer in the first was pretty good work from Speakano but 76 is just gross from a million dollar man.  Also causing grief in this match-up was first time DoW offender Dan Houston (59).  Dan has been absent in these parts all season as he’s never done anything good enough to get a prong, but he also hasn’t been bad enough to get a dong.  Not until this week anyway.  His 59 in a winning game was perplexing as I saw him around the ball a lot but he obviously got bypassed the whole day.  Thankfully he’s not hugely owned so very few had a Houston problem in their scoring this week.

Over in SA Taylor Walker’s big day of celebrations couldn’t have come against a better opponent for him.  In a team so bereft of decent backmen that the commentary team was suggesting Jack Darling go down back, Tex turned it on in a big way to get himself 10 goals and 166 points.  It probably only affected the odd Draft team but it was noteworthy for a bunch of reasons including his fantasy points.  Good for him.  Rory Laird had a bounce back after a slightly down one last week, this is to be expected from Lairdy and his 124 was nice for his owners.  He’s a Dick Bounce specialist.

In this game we had a few strugglers.  Jayden Hunt (37) has been fantastic this year for his owners but he had his first real shocker for the year.  Andrew Gaff (46) is Fantasy irrelevant but his output versus contract has to be the biggest in the game.  I’ve got no idea what happened to him but someone should really check to see if 2017 Gaff has been switched out with his evil twin brother who clearly has a physical contact and leather allergy.  The biggest letdown in this one though was from Dom Sheed.  I thought it was pretty cruel of Matty Nix to put someone on Sheed given the likely result but I guess you have to give Keaysy someone to kill or he’s next to useless out there.  At his best Dom Looks like someone has stretched a beige coloured balloon over a bottle of Krystal Vodka and put it on the body of a 55yr old Ammo’s player but when he’s down in a game, he looks 500yrs old.  Whilst we’re in the Keays region, how confusing has he become?  He’s actually worht a thought again.  And also, is there anyone in any sport in the world that makes doing anything look as hard as Keays makes playing football look.  I love his effort, his output and his gusto but holy hat Benny makes everything just look so hard.  Maybe its his reverse T-Rex body with those dumpy legs and strangely elongated body that just looks awkward or maybe he plays every game in a weight vest just to make it exciting.  Top effort Benny.

In the last game at the G Kozzy Pickett (41) continued his post-contract blues with another sleepy effort against the Pies.  He’s gone from potential breakout champ with more midfield time on the radar to bog standard small forward with no Fantasy game at all.  Jack Viney (135), Tom Mitchell (121) and Jack Crisp (131) all gave owners a very nice day.  Viney’s gap between good and bad is huge but he’s a very handy player who’s Fantasy breakout chances are probably gone but there are much worse options out there at his price.  Christian Salem (96) will be tempting a few of us in the coming weeks now he has got control of his Thyroid and injury issues.  He’s tempting the ever living shit out of me I can tell you.

So with honorary dongs and prongs out of the way, we now get to the business end of the Dicking for this week.  I’m going with a soft target first up in the votes and it’s a “body of work” donging for so many the AFL umpires who so often continue to demonstrate how ill-equipped they are for the gigs they’ve got.  Yes, AFL umpiring is tough work, we have so many rules that keep changing and so many based on “feel for the game” so it aint easy.  But you know what is easy?  Getting the easy shit right, and too many of these guys and gal just can’t manage it.  #19 Alex Whetton proved 4 times in 2 weeks he doesn’t have a grasp of the rules or the ability to handle a crowd and yet out he comes each week showing it again and again.  #10 Bobby O’Gorman is your classic little low level 15yr Public Servant during the week and big man on the weekend who again, clearly struggles with basic rules and interpretations as he continues to screw up basic stuff week in and out.  Ellie Tee struggles more than most and although it’s great to see women getting a crack at key jobs, you’re not doing future women any favours at all by putting someone like Ellie out there who is so far behind even the worst umpires in terms of knowledge of rules and the game itself it’s a joke.  However the main cause for concern in the umpiring ranks is the complete nutholes like Matthew Nicholson, Kane Williamson, Brett Rosebury, Matthew Stevic, Ray Chamberlain, Nick Foot and Leigh Fisher who are that rare and annoying mix of bad at their jobs and hungry for the spotlight.  There’s way too many examples to mention for these blokes but the best recent one came from the complete arseclown that is Kane Williamson who pulled an appalling free kick out of the “get me on TV” handbook in the Port v Dogs game.  To call back that goal because of what happened on the goal line is instant sack in my books.  It smacks of a guy thinking he’s there to impact the game rather than get out of the way and assist the game.  It’s why we need to do much less of running time trials for umpires and much more psych testing.  It’s just not good umpiring to find a “clever” free that is technically there but stops the game when there was no need too but these guys and others do it continually.  How is this Fantasy relevant Flip is again the question?  Each week players get goals ripped away or stats robbed off them by power hungry Hobbits looking to up their search rating on Google and year after year we promote Dick-ish dwarves like Razor Ray to give them profiles the best umpires would not want to have anything to do with.  Rant over, as should Kane’s career be as a serial offender in this regard.

Back on field for the 2 votes and it continues a really grotesque run of form for recent Dick winner Liam Baker.  In conditions that again should really have suited him well and playing back at home PLUS he kicked a goal, yet he put up another stinker.  Instead of benefitting from the Dick Bounce, Bakes has done the Dick Dive and gone from worst to a couple of really bads.  He topped of his recent run of super ugly scopring with a 57 in the Tiges upset win in Perth.  Running around in their bruised banana strip Liam looked lost again in the wet.  Something he’ll have to get a handle on if he wants to stay Fantasy relevant.  I’m honestly flabbergasted when guys like this go missing in the wet, and he wasn’t the only one on this night.  Sam Switta and Lachie Schultz at Freo were pretty poor too but noone was worse than Bailey Banfield who played a half of footy as a pressure forward and got 2 possessions and zero tackles in what could be the worst performance in the AFL this year.  Unluckily for Liam, none of them were or are Fantasy relevant.

And now we come to the big Dicking of the week and we’re left with one name and one name only.  Once again the Blues lined up in a must win game but this time he wasn’t going against an Josh Dunkley or a high pressure Swans outfit.  This time he was up against a fierce rival where his form had been a focus (and not the lies from a conceited Caro Grub) and against a team where points usually aren’t too hard to find.  Big response from Patty Cripps was assured I thought.  Not big enough to warrant keeping him in your line-up if you had him but it also wouldn’t have been the worse move for the round…or so I thought.  Well bugger me if Patty didn’t look at his recent form and say “Nah, I can be worse”.  In the last month Crippa has set very low personal standards and then consistently failed to meet them.  It’s as though he reached rock bottom and then reached for a shovel.  It’s a stunning reversal of form from the reigning Brownlow Medallist and he’s now odds on fave to be the first ever DoWnlow Medal which is not something I would have predicted earlier this year.  To put this perfromance in contest, Captain Cripps spent 84% of the game out there doing battle with behemoths like Merrett, Stringer, Caldwell, Hobbs, Martin and Co.  All handy players (or much better than that in Merrett’s case) but none of them close to Cripps in physical stature and presence – or so you’d have thought.  He should have had at least a passable impact against a gourp that he physically dominates on paper.  Meanwhile, historical Fantasy punchline Paddy Dow came on and in ¼ of the game time his Captain had, young Dow out tackled and out marked his skipper and almost caught him on points.  Tagged or not, at his age, size and experience Crippa should be impacting the game much more than 45 measley points.  45 isn’t even top shelf as a batting average in cricket let alone acceptable in AFL Fantasy.  And his defensive efforts still make Joe Daniher look like Darcy Moore.

For all that’s going on at the Blues, the form of Captain Pat is surely top of the wozza in terms of concerns.  We can worry about Harry and Charlie’s kicking or Vossy’s coaching but surely when your #1 man has 2 tackles and 0 marks in a must win game, that’s where the criticism’s should start.  If you’ve unfortunately held Crippa then my thoughts are with you.  He’s killed more teams this year than Hutchy has killed donuts in his “how can we be more shit” meetings.  There’s no way this man can be in a serious Fantasy team ever again in my books.  Late draft maybe but as a Classic option, even if he scores 200 in a pre-season game next year, Crippa just can’t be trusted.  He’s our first ever Triple Dicker which must hurt too.  I’m guessing it doesn’t rate too highly on his list of concerns right now but dammit it should.  I’m a Cripps fan and finding new and better ways to critique him is getting harder and harder for me.  Give me a break PLEASE Pat.  Commiserations Crippa, for the 3^rd time you’re the DT Dick of the Week for Round 13.

We’ve already discussed what to do with Patrick.  If you’re still holding this Dick the party is well and truly over and it’s time to release the grip.  There’s no reason to have held on this long and no way you can get anything more out of it.  Time to cut loose and look elsewhere.

That’s it for the Dick of the Week this week Folks.  Thanks again for tuning in and all the best for this coming week’s Bye carnage.  Happy navigating in your trading and benching/looping activities and see you next week.  Once again, if a League coach in your league has done something Dick-ish then let me know at dicksofdt@gmail.com and you could win a super prize.  Also anyone with graphic nouse who can punch up a graphic for the DoWnlow Medal will also be rewarded, send them through to the same address.