Happy Tuesday Legends, time for a bit of Fantasy Dick work as we cast our filthy minds backwards over the weekend of footy that just was. And what a weekend it just was for Fantasy coaches! If you weren’t scoring high 2200’s you were losing ground and par seemed around the 2320 mark I’d guess. After weeks of low 2000’s and even gaining ground if you got a high 1900 this week was a real kiss on the DoW.
Scoring was helped along by a lot of popular dudes racking up points like nobody’s business. This week it seemed everyone was playing West Coast and points flowed rich with massive games from RoMarsh (159), Nnnnnewman (164), The Good Curnow (151) and Trac (142). These guys bought their own footy on the weekend and made their oppos look not just like witches hats, but witches hats that had been drilled in to the ground and placed on the wrong oval. No one has dominated like these dudes did since Christians v Lions in 0001. Great effort from these guys and there were others who lobbed big bombs for us as well with plenty of popular picks shooting out high 120’s and 130’s as well. Even JHF came back to the party and almost got himself a Bradman, probably pissing off a bunch of coaches who only just got rid of him too but 98 is still worth celebrating for him.
There were too many good scores around to waste your time going through them but I did want to single out just a couple more. Seeing we’re talking about DT Dicks, Toby Greene’s 136 needs a mention. There might not be a bigger Dick in the game than Tobes and plonking a 136 on the cistern after not long ago giving any Draft or Classic coaches a 22 is very DoW-ish. He’s got a head that would annoy the guy who won the Buddha Religion’s 2023 Goodest Most Calmest Bloke Award and cause that same guy to bunch up a fist. Added to that Tobes carries on like a rat trapped in a sock with a frog but he’s a super effective little trash bag that’s for sure. He’s also seeing a bit of mid time now as Pipes has let the dog out a bit. When you add up his last 2 weeks CBA %’s its a solid 52. That’s after only seeing a cumulative 45 in the previous 5 weeks before that! Has Pipes given us a new Gun Forward to consider or is Tobes fools gold? No idea but he gets a DoW prong this week so good for him.
Same game and it’s beyond time that Peter Headcase Ladhams gets a bit of juice from the watching throng. His 130 on the weekend continues a very decent season for the scruffy Swan ruck. Only 2% of coaches are being laughed at for having him but he’s been a decent R2 option for those 2% of weirdos who picked him in Classic. He’s come a long way from bashing a teenagers head in to the Mr Whippy Van while playing in a VFL game last year and getting himself suspended when coaches needed him back during Ruckapocalypse 2022.
I’ve donged Freo Coach Longmuir multiple times this season but a quick prong for him. Someone actually woke him up during this weeks game and reminded him that Hayden Young can kick a footy better than Paris Hilton plays the pink flute and JL2 allowed him to grab a few kick-ins. Freo also played a more Fantasy friendly style on the weekend and although it didn’t work it may be good news for coaches with Freo players and fans of Freo who have to watch them. Something positive for JL2 to focus on whilst he tries to come up with more excuses for playing a guy as a pressure forward (Banfield) but who hasn’t laid a single tackle in the last 16 quarters he’s played…but I digress.
OK, with the good prongs out of the way we move in to the territory where guys have made our Fantasy lives more difficult over the weekend with steaming piles of nothing as opposed to the points bonanza most other guys got.
First dong is yet another one to LDU. After winning the DoW last week, LDU was so shellshocked he couldn’t even front up to the game this week. He’s blaming fat on his heel or some other truly disgusting sounding gear but any LDU owners surely must want to see a second AFL investigation launched in to team behaviour and find out what the hell happened to him on that puddle jump to Tassie. His breakout has turned to dust and he’s now looking like a bust. Hard to win a Dick of the Week when you don’t even play but he was in the running.
B-Crouch was gaining hefty momentum as an M1 or M2 PoD but if you bought him in in the last fortnight you’d be wanting someone to check it wasn’t his brother running around for the Saints instead of big Brad. 75 then 77 for a guy previous to that pumping out 120’s is mystifying. Clearly he hates Jack Steele. This needs a Tom Browne or Kane Cornes exclusive meathead report to make up and get some clicks.
Callum Mills has skated through this year without so much as a whisper as he’s shed a massive $176k for his coaches. Low ownership is a big reason for it but to only hit the trips once all year is terrible going for a previous true premo. He’s playing himself out of fallen premo status and in to “avoid at all costs” territory. Coach Horse is not doing him any favours though playing him all over the backline as they wait for injuries to soften but having Millsy at full back is a dick move Horse. 81 this week isn’t a disaster but so far Millsy’s Fantasy season has been.
Most of the other games had very few Dicks running around this week but there were still a few poking around out there, largely concentrated in 2 games. Special mention to Tommy Barrass at the Eagles who managed to spend 94% of the game on the ground, in an area where the ball was near him for about 80% of the game but he still could only manage 14pts. Its hard to score that low with that much time on ground but Fergy from the Hawks did a decent job of non-scoring too with 18pts from 77% ToG. Attacking a goal post with your ballsack and hip joint isn’t the best way to impact a game and coaches who had the mature rookie out there were regretting it. Meanwhile, Bailey Humphrey managed to do even worse. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a scoreline like his. He’s managed to actually score ZERO pts. Usually 0 cxomes from not playing but he got his by scoring and then giving those points away. That buggered my brain big time.
Also doing a lot of buggering is a regular mention in these parts now is Can’t Be Cumming at GWS. A supposed premo D for us but he’s become a premo Dick instead. Still only scoring from kick-ins and he’s not doing well on those either. Although he’s already been mentioned regularly around here, he’s actually getting worse. If his previous gross scores weren’t enough he dropped his biggest deuce for the year on his coaches this week by shafting them with a 59. I mean another 10 pts and its still gross but there’s more fun to be had with that score in writing it up at least. He’s not only killing any team, he’s in, he’s killing the fun to be had at his expense as well. Classic Dick move. If you’ve still got him I applaud your loyalty but question your logic.
Dylan Moore has had a Millsy type year but only slightly better and his recent run of form has got him a DoW dong this week. 66 is bad enough from a supposed premo forward but when you cast an eye over his recent form you’ll see it’s softer than dog shit under water. 2 66’s sandwiching a couple 80’s is not what coaches want from the little D-Bag. They want more from Moore for sure.
We’ve mentioned Toby Greene and his face that launches 100 desires to slap it, there’s another one of those noggins running around in the AFL at the minute and, like Toblerong, he’s a better than decent player too. Unlike Tobes though, this week Jordan De Goey put in a performance that made that 5mins of umpiring in his game look pretty dam good. Gooey was completely taken out of a game his team badly needed him in but he just never fronted. Rumour has it he got his bathrobe on again at half time and cruised the stands for a bit to try to get his mojo back but he stayed mojo-less for the full game and stoinked his coaches with a putrid 53. It wasn’t the worst performance in this game though. As mentioned that umpiring debacle was horrible and actually had real life AFL fans of other teams feeling like the Pies had been robbed. We all rushed to the showers after thinking that but even that wasn’t the worst performance in this game either.
The biggest Dick mention from Crows v Pies goes to the Fox TV coverage and the absolute boneheaded move that happened late in that game. As a Rory Laird owner I was on tenterhooks the entire week wondering if Lairdy’s unusually squared off head would bounce out on the Oval for the Sunday blockbuster. When there was no late change I got a little Laird-on and started hoping he’d perform despite the annoying niggle that we’d been worried about. Then he smacked out a near 50 in Q1 and my Laird-on was at full bore, it had become a cat scratching post he was doing so well. 3 qtr time and the little box headed beauty was on 100 and everything was still full bore. Then no points for a few minutes, then a few point, then he’s shown on the bench and Fox whack up that he’d been subbed out! My Laird-on disappeared and rage came hard. However it turns out that the Director of Football for Adelaide can’t tell his own players apart and Fox had gone early with a wrong call that I’m sure gave at least 476 heart attacks across Oz. Now we all know Mark Ricciutto is not likely to split an atom any time soon, I’d guess he’d have trouble splitting a TwinPole icypole but I’d have backed him in to pick the difference between Laird and the actual Crow who HAD been subbed out. Or, if not, maybe read the details on the paperwork lodged with the guys sitting 3m away from your over sized scone. OR, you know, ASK SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WORKS FOR YOU. Boundary riding is like boundary umpiring, its almost useless and is so easy guys like Alistair Lynch and Mark Riciutto can do it for life. For the love of Leigh Matthews Fox, think of the audience a bit more you Bozos and if we have to listen to Roo’s voice which sounds like he’s being castrated and fed helium at the same time every time he says anything then at least get the simple shit right when he talks. Big DoW mention to you.
On a related note, how long before the AFL website realises it is just as easy to put “Subbed Out” next to a player on your Match Day app as it is to put “Injured”. The amount of times I’ve seen injured pop up against a player and then that guy immediately get a kick is amazing. Putting “Subbed” under the bloke who has actually had to take off his playing jumper doesn’t seem like it’d be too hard. Maybe Roo runs that too.
The biggest Dicks in terms of our scoring though were across 2 games. Cats v Bombers and Tiges v Suns gave us all the Dick action we could handle over the weekend. So many options from just these 2 hitouts. We’ve already mentioned young Humphrey’s cricket like duck in his “effort” in their game but it was mostly the Tigers stinking the joint up as far as Fantasy went. A Trio of Terrible Tigers stood out in this game and all carried a decent number of coaches fortunes with them. If you have Daniel Rioli (72), Dusty Martin (71) or Liam Baker (60) then you’re still cleaning up the Fantasy spew from your floors. Rioli and Baker were particularly Dick-ish in their scores as they’ve been going pretty well for most of the year. If you have Dusty then the Dick might be you and not him. He’s a brave pick (to put it mildly) given the other forward options you had.
In the other Dicky contest the Bombers were given a bit of a reality check by the charging Cats and there were some horrid scores in this from guys who should know better. Zac Merrett’s week off did him no good and Bad Scott’s (no typo) use of him was weirder than a late-night Trump tweet. In terms of CB usage it almost looked like BScottie had forgotten Zacky was out there. Even the loose unit Joke Stringer (also not a typo) got more CBA time. In fact, he had over double! What in the actual Dick Brad? Even with that, 82 from a rested premo is just gross. Worse was to come though. Andy Mac did Andy Mac things and boosted our annoyance with him with a 66 and Jordy Ridley thought “if its good enough for a #1 draft pick then that’d be good enough for me too” which is just brilliant if you happen to be carrying both of these knobs. Ridley at least had a strong 2nd half but when you still end up with only 66 that’s small comfort to a coach looking for bigger biscuits.
However, the biggest and most costly performance of the weekend beat out both those “efforts” and beat out everyone else for the Week 7 DT Talk Dick of Week. It’ll be of little surprise to anyone that this guy gets the gong for the weekend but it is with sadness I make the award as this guy has bought many of us so much joy this year. But life in the Dick of the Week realm is tough, 1 slipup and you’ve got it so this week, despite a great year so far. It is with no pleasure I give our first Dick out to a Willy. Will Setterfield is the DT Dick of the Week for Round 7 2023 and it is very well earned as he shit on the lot of us with a super gross 54 points.
Now De Goey scored less than Will but even after the great migration away from him, Setters is sitting at 20% owned as I write this and JDG is only around 10 so this shitpile had double the impact which swung it his way. The most disturbing thing was how it was done too. Setters has shown he has the big quarters in him. He’s pounded out 40’s in a quarter already this year so all of his coaches were waiting for that to happen in this one. Especially when the game was done and easier possies would start to open up. Nope. It’s like Setters ran out there and saw his reflection in a mirror or something for the first time this year and thought “Hang on! I play for Essendon? Carlton ditched me because I sucked? They preferred Paddy Dow to ME?” and proceeded to play like he had been for the previous 5 years or so. He was as interested in the pill in this game as I am in finding a Pauline Hansen sex tape. This was a Dick plus game from little Willy and undid a fair chunk of the good work he’d done for his coaches this year. He’s still been a good pick but sweet baby cheeses this was a shocker and makes his Dicking well and truly justified.
Now we get to something I forgot to get too last week with LDU, something I apologise for. Last week I would have said chuck the Dick out, he’s damaged and doing damage to any team he’s in and I may have saved 1 or 2 of you from his late withdrawal this week. Setters though is a different thing, this is his first misstep, his first DoW and he hasn’t even been mentioned as a candidate before now. He’s got a patchy run coming up with Port then Brissie as toughies but then Eagles and Roos to begin fattening the cow again. However he’s also got a BE of 126 and Port this week so that’s more lost cash if you stick fat with this week’s Dick. It’s a tough call but one many of you seem to have made. The line to trade him is longer than the line of people walking alongside Orlando Bloom at the end of Kingdom of Heaven. The “Trade Setters Road” has more people on it than players looking to escape Western Sydney at the end of each year. So it seems you don’t need me to suggest anything. But I will anyway. I think you should find him a very nice gift bag and then open the team bus and kick this Dick out, with great thanks and respect. His time was coming and this just made it come sooner. So Long Will, and thanks for all the cash.
Thanks for the suggestions for the DoW Medal name, we’ll keep it going for a few weeks to see if anyone else pops up0 but it seems Kane Cornes and Dickishness is a very strong link in many people’s minds. Things remain open there for now. No further traffic in the League Dicks you’re dealing with but when you see it, say it and flick me a line on dicksofDT@gmail.com to get a very handy Moreira’s Magic pack for next year.
Happy trading Folks and all the best during upgrade season.