An Open Letter to The Muppets

Every Monday night DTTalk’s regular GWS guru @RLGriffin85 steps up to the plate to articulate the thoughts of AFL Dream Team coaches everywhere. Be it pointing the finger of blame at Senior AFL Coaches, setting a fire below underperforming players or just throw away comments about how bad Zac ‘Lurch’ Dawson really is; there’s no topic he isn’t willing to write about! Who’s in his sights this week?

An Open Letter to: The Muppets

Dear Muppets,

After a round of football like the one we just, sometimes you have to wonder why we all play this Dream Team game. It was zaney, loopy and all together strange. A round like the one just been brings out the best and worst in people. I guess that’s because the scoring we witnessed featured the best and worst of players. Whether your captain scored 68 or 190 , it’s safe to say the inner Muppet probably came out in the past 48 hours after the mayhem and craziness of the Muppet show unravelled.

No idea what I’m talking about? Let me break it down. The Muppet Show was a slapstick comedy show invented by the great Jim Henson. The characters were eccentric and the thirty minutes of airtime revolved around them just trying to keep it together long enough for a successful outcome. Sound familiar? Just like the Muppet Show, so was twitter, chat rooms, text messages and pub rooms everywhere on Sunday, as things got a little crazy, so did we… Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the Muppet Show!

 

Who were the Muppets this round?:

Miss Piggy – the diva, the attention seeker, the one that just won’t shut up. In a round where there were eleven players that scored 130+, two of which scored 204 and 190, Miss Piggy’s were abound and just had to let you know! “I had Buddy Captain!” they would proclaim. Quickly ignored, they would then tweet it, chat it, message it, blog it, and generally just not shut up about it. Less than 2% of players had Franklin Captain, yet any Miss Piggy’s out there would claim it, true or not.

Miss Piggy’s are notorious for wanting the attention, and this round gave them plenty of excuses. But as everyone knows, Miss Piggy is clearly just trying to compensate for being a whore-like fat pig. No matter who they had as captain, they are nothing more than a comic piece to laugh at, not with.

Dear Miss Piggy, I care as much about your captain as I do about Photography Accreditation, just keep it to yourself!

Next?

Gonzo the Great – the ‘do you really think this will work’ Muppet, Gonzo’s will try anything to impress, from going a unique captain each week, to starting Gibbs in their midfield. This week was an interesting week for Gonzo’s, and the typical reaction was to be expected – failure. As much as the rest of us love Gonzo’s – we really do, they just can’t take a break. From Sidebottom’s Captaincy scoring 136 to Gibbs’ unique 75, blasting your ranking out of a cannon this week was always going to end in misery. But what do Gonzo’s do? They take it on the chin, accept their shortcomings, and plan to do it all again next week.

Dear Gonzo the Great, one day you will be able to “eat a rubber tyre to the music of The Flight of the Bumblebee” pick a unique captain who smashes out a nice 180+, but in the meantime, just don’t choke!

Then we have:

Statler and Waldorf – Statler: “This round wasn’t half bad” Waldorf: “No, it was all bad! Do ho ho”. The old boys were up in the rafters the entire round laughing off the chaos as if it was no big thing. From injuries to Pendlebury, Selwood and Scotland: Statler: “I didn’t know Scotland was injured this week?” Waldorf: “Yeah, he threw out his hip getting out of bed! Do ho ho” to Ablett’s 190: Statler: “Did you hear Ablett got 53 possessions this week?” Waldorf: “That’ll be a costly bail. I heard his son did well too! Bahahaha” the boys shook off the highs and lows with the same cynicism each and every time. As much as we’d love to hate these knights of negativity, they helped bring this rollercoaster round into perspective.

Dear Statler and Waldorf, thank you for bringing us humour in times of great pain, and brining us back to earth when we get too high!

Statler; “Did you hear that? Apparently some AFL Dream Teamers got high this weekend”.
Waldorf: “My guess is when they traded in Michael Johnson he BYO’d! Do ho ho”.

Those two at least remember Dream Team’s fun, unlike:

Animal – Raging, red and ready to trade! Animal’s this round were furious over the vesting of Pendlebury, Stephenson, Jenkins and Horsely, they lost the plot over Hargrave, Lake, Swallow, Gibbs, Thompson and Sidebottom. Not to be approached until at least after the bye rounds, if they haven’t rage traded out their guns or just deleted their team, they’re probably considering just Ghost Shipping for the next month.

Animal’s are chomping at the bit, and they’re number one target is an Irish Pirate by the name of Calvin! At least that used to be his name. Rumours have it that the rage of Animal’s towards Calvin for suggesting Sidebottom (68), Pendlebury (59), Selwood (62) and Beams (101) in front of Ablett (190) as captain has him changing his name and sailing to a new land. Luckily for him, Animal’s are fickle creatures, and a solid rock beat and a new round should have them forgetting all about Ablett scoring one point more than Sidebottom, Pendlebury and Selwood combined.

Dear Animal, there’s a reason we love you; rage away my friend, rage away!

So finally that brings us to:

Kermit the Frog – It’s not easy being green, but they get by. Nothing special, nothing bad, Kermit’s just keep on keeping on. They do the right thing and put Boyd, Mitchell or Ablett captain, they wear it on the chin when other premiums go down around them. Kermit’s put up with Miss Piggy’s because it’s the right thing to do; they support Gonzo’s when they fall flat on their face. They even try to find a way to mellow out Animal’s rage.

Kermit’s this round had as many ups and downs as the rest of us, but due to their balance, knowledge, and timing, they came out leading the pack yet again. Why? Because of all the Muppets, Kermit’s know how hard this game is, but play it with dignity anyway.

Dear Kermit’s, well done, you froggy bastards!

So to all the Muppets out there, keep on keeping on, whilst the Dream Team God’s keep on dishing out the craziness. This is AFL Dream Team, it’s not supposed to be easy and it’s got all the ups and downs of any footy clubs season. After all, what do you expect from the weird and wonderful Muppets Show!?

Regards,
Jim Henson FC

PS, Apologies to all the Fozzie the Bear’s out there, but we all know you play Supercoach anyway! Commence throwing the tomatoes!