Dicks of Dream Team

After reading that tbetta (who always produces top flight material) had suggested Chris Masten, I thought it was about time there was a corresponding series outlining the Dicks of Dream Team.  These aren’t the Presti or Glass type guys who are poor DT scorers due to position and roles, these are guys who are actually worth considering – on paper at least.

Chris Masten

Only a few blokes have murdered more squads in as short a period as The Mastenbator.  He has been touted as a bargain almost every year of his career from a gun rook and now a potential break out bargain.  CuzLite is a book who should be judged by his cod-ordinary cover.  He’s every bit as bad as he looks.

Why Should I pick him?

Tbetta knows his stuff and is not stupid and he rates him, so there is that.  The stats he gave us were sexy weren’t they.  You can also add that CuzLite’s ability to turn the ball over with either hand or foot means he won’t get a tag – ever.  He’s also running really far and really fast in the pre-season.

Why Shouldn’t I pick him?

Because he can’t play.  Forget the track times he’s doing.  Many, many others have proven time and again that running away from your shadow is no indication of a good scoring season ahead.  This bloke is the worst type of DT bait.  He’ll hook you in with tasty looking treats, and then stink up your squad for the rest of the year.

Summary

Think how happy you’d be to see this name in your mate’s team in league play.  Think of all the jokes you can post in the Box about how dumb that mate is to grab a can of CuzLite and open it up.  Now imagine being that mate.  It isn’t worth it, even if he pays off, someone will have paid off more.

Avoid Rating – 11/10

Patrick Dangerfield

Cue angry responses from all Adelaide fans.  “He’s a beast”, “Maybe the best athlete in the AFL”, “Outran Stevie Hill twice in one game and almost kicked goal of the year”, “Built like Hulk and runs like Bolt”.  All these things are true, and here is something else that is also true – he’s in to his fourth year this year and he’s only ever scored 100 DT points once – against Gold Coast.  I was at home sick as a dog that day and I scored 31 DT points in that game.

Why Should I Pick Him?

He’s a really, super-duper exciting talent and is another guy who is in the top shelf on the “exciting to see play” scale.  He once got 30 touches, 10 marks and 8 goals in a game.  It was under 18’s but that is still impressive.  If he ever does that in an AFL game you’ll win your league game for sure!

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Because he won’t ever have a 30 touch, 10 mark, 8 goal game in the AFL.  He’s a weapon of mass destruction but they don’t need to be used often to have an effect.  He just doesn’t accumulate.  Vince, van Berlo, Sloane and most especially Scotty T do the point scoring hard yards ahead of him.

Summary

He’s a real life stud and a DT dud.  He’s Adelaide’s Stephen Hill, he’ll excite like buggery and give you nothing in DT.  He is a DP but in this case it stands for Don’t Pick.

Avoid Rating 8/10

Heath Shaw

I’m guessing about 33% of DTers when confronted with the notion that Heater is a DT Dick would say “What?  Avoid the Heater show?  He’s a gun, a premoback and he improved his average 11 points last year”.  Another 33% would say “There is no way he has the same trouble this year, he’ll play all 22 games and his average will go up another 11points”.  The last section would say “Why am I reading another write up about Heath Shaw?  He’s a muppet.”  The last guy is spot on.

Why Should I pick Him?

Because I want you to. Because your mates want you too .Because he’ll have 6 or so  games this year when he bags a 100+ points for you. Because he is likely to play the majority of the games and his bye is a Rd 12 bye which is rare in the top priced backs.

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Mostly because you then forfeit the right to hang a steaming pile of crap on anyone else who picks him when;

a)      He snaps a hammy making sure he’s “fitter than ever” or when he’s running from the cops.

b)      He does have another bet and claims he thought the ban on betting was only for last season.

c)       He gets suspended for getting drunk with Dids and stealing a box of Seeing Eye Dog puppies.

Also because as soon as any run of good form starts, someone will lay a tag on him and he’ll disappear for a few weeks, killing your team.  He’s like one of those mythical magic rabbit thingos, as soon as anyone looks at him, he disappears.

Summary

You know how some people are as dumb as a box of spanners?  Well Heath is as dumb as a box of those people.  Heath is that rare kind of stupid, he could Stupid for Australia at the Olympics.  He could match it with anyone in the NRL off the field.  Something will happen to take him off the park this year.  Enjoy the stupid, don’t suffer from it.

Avoid Rating 7/10

Colin Sylvia

What happened?  This bloke was once DT gold, albeit for only a short time.  He was meant to make “The Leap” in to the “premo, keeper, must-have”category last year.  Now he’s a punchline at a DT comedy club.  He could out stupid Heath Shaw this year and no one would be surprised.

Why Should I Pick Him?

Well, maybe because we all know that 5 chances just isn’t enough.  Maybe this last chance was the one.  THIS time he’s learned his lesson.  Getting booted from the Aussie F-Squad for getting “Didaked” before training was the real wake-up call he needed.  He’ll be out to make amends and pay us all back for keeping the faith.

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

He’s one of the rare guys in the AFL where nothing would surprise us anymore.  Take these two potential news stories for instance;

“Colin Sylvia set a DT record last night with 215 points”.

“Colin Sylvia was suspended for 15 games last night after being found at coach Mark Neeld’s house at 6am on Wednesday, in the garden, sound asleep, wearing a sock on his knob.”

It is hard to pick which of these would be harder to believe.His body is suss, his head is suss and his scoring dropped like a stone last year.  Why bother?

Summary

He should be someone else’s risk this year.

Avoid Rating 11/10

Cyril Rioli

It may be happening.  Is this finally the year?  Will we finally see it happen?  Has everything finally lined up?  Can we finally just shut up about this being Cyril Rioli’s break out DT year because this year he’ll spend more time in the midfield?

Why Should I Pick Him?

Like most teasers, he will give you a few absolute blinders.  He’ll tempt you in when you look at the history.  Look at that 159 pt game, that 143 pt game, that 151 pt game.  Imagine what’ll happen when he does that regularly by playing in the guts!

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Because he simply won’t do it regularly.  He’s an elite small forward who goes up the ground on occasions to make him harder to shut down.  Alistair Clarkson is a smart coach; he knows Rioli’s value is in the forward line wreaking havoc, not in the midfield reeking average.  He’ll push in to the midfield from time to time and he’ll have some massive games, but he’ll have many more games that leave you cold and leaking points.

Summary

He’ll woo you in and make you think you’ve won big.  Come the end of the season you’ll realise you could’ve paid 2/3 the price for the same output with some more thought.

Avoid Rating 7/10

Submitted by Tony Connors