The Weekend Wash-Up – Season Ender

If you are unaware of the f**k around and find out graph, go and study it. Because this weekend is what my team has been building towards ever since we traded in Jordon Sweet. And I find out. What a total capitulation, and the dummy spit is here. It’s time for the weekend wash-up…

Legends

I barely have the stomach to go over the players that actually scored well this week, so here is a brief overview.

Dunkley (158) – I was worried about Will Ashcroft? Epic call Matt. Clear top 8 mid and all round gun, great pick. I don’t make those.

Zorko (118) – Pretty good VC score I reckon, probably should’ve taken that if you had it! (I didn’t)

Oliver (109) – I saw red last week and got rid of Clayton Oliver instead of Jy Simpkin. Criminal.

Xerri (129) – Why did I think that hair flicking f**khead could ever be fit to even tie X’s shoe laces? Gun, good pick. Obvious pick. Literally the easiest pick I can ever remember. 580k ruck. Bizarre.

Bontempelli (126) – It’s Round 16 and I don’t have Marcus Bontempelli. Sorry for ever pretending to know what I’m talking about.

Anderson (140) – Collingwood for midfielders are what the Saints are for MOST defenders. Even Noah Anderson is scoring 140. 

Daicos (115) – Glad to finally have him, just 10 weeks too late. What a goal.

Flanders (104) – Looked on target for 150, why was he ever at half back? Draft pick of the year.

Rankine (115) – Probably a walk up top 6 forward but not mentally ready to think about that. Best idea tagging Dawson though.

Whitfield (160) – I had been wondering how he doesn’t do this more often in that role, the hunger, the thirst, even tackling! Thank you Whit. Somebody that showed SOMETHING.

Bowes (123) – The bi-weekly Jack Bowes 120. Enjoy the 60 next week. 

Holmes (101) – My season ended when I traded our heart and soul of the club. I deserve to be sacked for it. He comes back in. 

Caldwell (144) – 90% CBAs. 12 clearances, 12 tackles. Best non-trade call by me. Finally Essendon have woken up. 

Dempsey (107) – Would be one of my best forwards, comfortably. 

Sinclair (135) – His one good score for the month. Not interested. 

Marshall (119) – He is playing full forward out of the square and doing it well. Good boy. Not moved by the score… 

Newman (143) – I said he was a bad trade target, and that’s why I’m ranked where I am. Huge score.

Walsh (132) – Vice or captain anybody playing Richmond. It’s as easy as that. 

Cripps (129) – Leading them to a premiership, another epic performance.

Moore (127) – There you go. Never doubt the Dylan Moore experience. He’s a good footballer.

Sicily (113) – The Sic Dawg was scoring 180 if not for hurting his shoulder. Hopefully he’s OK…

Losers

Gawn (77) – I guess he beat his Gabba average? Dinner plate sh*t house hands are back. Dreadful.

Rivers (62) – What a jet.

Bailey (40) – This guy sucks. Worst draft pick ever.

Sheezel (91) – I’m not accepting that. Lay a tackle mate. 

English (96) – He got absolutely bathed again, I’m praying the Eagles don’t get him. I’d rather Bailey Williams.

LDU (67) – Is there a bigger pretender in the AFL? Here’s a serious question. Do you think LDU is closer to Chris Judd, or Paddy Dow? I know the answer, and it’s not Judd.

Simpkin (64) – Probably overs. 4 frees against, 57% disposals efficiency and a club captain. Hang them up brother.

Fisher (67) – Is Clarko ok? Apparently he copped a knock, and he does seem like the type of bloke that could get knocked over by a feather so I’m not totally shocked that was enough to sit him out. I guess he could be good to go next week, but I really don’t care that much.

Pink (23) – A target for me next week. Why not?

Treloar (84) – Bont may have had 50 disposals but at least you kept Treloar quiet with 22 and 2. Will Phillips in the middle, nice job. 

Macrae (64) – As bad as Jy Simpkin, and that’s saying something. 

Grundy (84) – Epic score Brodie. Lumbering oaf. 

Ryan (97) – Got bullied into shaving off the peroxide and he still couldn’t score a ton. I’ve heard rumours that he has posters of himself on his bedroom walls. Doesn’t shock me.

Gulden (82) – This game was the WORST TWO HOURS of fantasy I can remember. Seriously. The game is 4 quarters Errol, not one. Half arsed leads, one handed tackles. And I called him a pig. Goes to show how much I know. 

Young (37) – I’ve got an inside source with some huge info here….. Hayden Young sleeps with a night light on. You didn’t hear it from me.

Heeney (79) – What a genius idea it was to tag the untaggable Issac Heeney?! Incredible stuff.

Adams (84) – Scored 84 but remains the worst AFL kick I’ve seen, discounting Tsatas. 

Amartey (32) – Hope the sports scientist is happy, he isn’t kicking a bag of 5 again. Poor bloke.

Brayshaw (80) – Few coaches out there hoping Gaff can give him one last chinny to sign off. Disgusting.

Serong (96) – Overs.

McDonald (46) – Signed his Freo papers already. The lights are too bright for some.

Crisp (79) – 17 disposals and 0 marks. A poor mans Jack Steele. Wow that’s poor.

Laird (92) – The only thing I could’ve done to make my team worse was trade in Rory Laird. 

Michalanney (44) – All it took for Matthew Nicks to win a game was not play Max Michalanney in the midfield. Stroke of genius. 

Merrett (89) – I’m going to be completely honest with you here. When everyone was getting Merrett ahead of this ‘unbelievable’ run of fixtures, I went with it…. Because I was just happy I didn’t have to own him by myself. No joke. Sorry, everyone. What an epic second half bro. 

Martin (79) – Should’ve traded him. 

Ridley (48) – Better than Hayden Young I suppose. 

Clark (31) – Full game for Jhye, but he was worse than Hayden Young. Top effort.

Schoenmaker (52) – The VFL beckons.

Rozee (95) – Barely beat Zac Butters who got tagged by Windy. Embarrassing.

Butters (92) – All things considered it’s a solid score, but did it help me in any way shape or form? No. 

Wines (67) – Giving his owners heart palpitations too. 

Boak (45) – Why is he not retired? It’s time for Port to go full Kangas on Boomer.

Wilson (22) – How did we get away with fielding this spud for so long?

Dow (24) – Would barely get a gig in ammos. 

Houston (47) – I have no words for this score… This isn’t right? Dan Houston did NOT score 47 points against St Kilda. That goes down as the worst performance of the year considering the matchup, and it’s daylight in second. 

Taranto (92) – He plays for Richmond. That has to be a flag.

Martin (17) – Dusty shouldn‘t bother putting himself through this. Not how one of the greats should end his career.

Curnow (40) – Trading in Charlie Curnow to play the tigers in round 16. You got what you deserved.

Hewett (16) – Voss sub roulette.

Watson (68) – He genuinely can’t kick. But I still love you wiz. 

This game sh*ts me

When it rains it pours. It didn’t matter what I did over the past month, how many ranks I climbed, doomsday was coming for me from the moment I f**ked about with Jordon Sweet. And I found out. The state of my defenders honestly. I had 15 players score under 92 this week. FIFTEEN. Including my skipper. What a joke. This game man…. It sh*ts me. 

The other bits and pieces

2104, rank doubled to 923. Total embarrassment. I don’t even know how I got there, Sam Walsh and Lachie Whitfield carried us past 2000 after a Saturday afternoon from hell. I genuinely had a better team on the park in Round 1, it’s now Round 16. 

I’ll put my hand up, it’s a skill issue this week, not luck. My ruck f**k around set me back three weeks of trades and a few hundred thousand dollars of value, and it is the reason I owned Jy Simpkin instead of Jye Caldwell, Hayden Young over Marcus Bontempelli, and quite frankly I’m actually not sure why I own Brodie Grundy at all. But here we are. Honestly I couldn’t give two sh*ts about my trades next week. I guess I never want to see Jy Simpkin’s face again, so there’s that to fix up.

It will be a step away from the team for a week job, and I look forward to it. Maybe we can come back and fight for some respectability next week. Sorry about the toys leaving the cot, hopefully you got some enjoyment out of my pain at least. I’ll be fine…

It was a great run again, and another total meltdown. I wouldn’t have it any other way. See you in the running for a cap again in 2025. Better luck next weekend legends, hopefully our premiums actually show up next week. I may or may not be back…

Be sure to check out our podcast this week. If ever there was a week it was worth a listen I’d suggest this is the one. This game sh*ts me.

Matt