The Sunday Knee-Jerk – Round 8

Stage 1 of the season has passed. We have cleared most of the rooks of our field and scores are starting to rise. Trading strategies are now coming into play and those with stronger squads will have all gone big this week, the average should be massive! There were a few bullets here and there, of course I took most of them. It’s about time really. I’d found myself in hospital on Saturday night, my DT bandaged and in pain. However the drugs have worked a treat! Vlastuin is acting like morphine to my DT and carrying me past what looks to be an average score this week. Respectability is not what I’m about though, bullsh*t still hit me hard! It’s time to knee-jerk!

The Legends

Jack (138) in the box is rewarding all those who took the punt on him early. Gun, however I’m not scrambling to jump aboard. We’ve learnt our lesson, right? Wrong. We never learn, chasing points just feels so good! For the week their previous score sits pretty in your team. Ablett (135). Well, what more can I say. His new name is BJ, can you figure it out? He’ll get a mention later. It’s about time I can include Pendlebury (127) in here, he is absolute class! If you don’t have him now is the time to jump on board. This bloke had a slow start but JPK (135) is starting to hit his straps. He’s extremely cheap, but is he fools gold? If this was supercoach talk then yes I’d say to get on, but it’s not. I’m not convinced he’s a premium dreamteamer. Now here is a premium dreamteamer. Bartel (119) is going to be my love hate relationship for the season. One week he is a ghost, the next he is a gold class slut! Safe pick. I have already mentioned Vlastuin (131) as DT morphine. Or if you were already on target for a monster, DT ecstasy! Quite a few rooks acted as morphine to our scores this week, not many better than Dwyer (104). For those of us who lost faith and traded him, he pumped out a special 53 point last quarter. Made piss. Terlich (120) decided to smash out a monster score the first week he finds himself on my pine. Of course he did. Gun pick though, watch his price fly! O’Meara (99) is a legitimate gun already, yet he’s only 19! Should be your last upgrade. Ellis (155) took the piss with a great first quarter, then he surpassed that! I thought at one stage he was a legitimate chance for the double ton. For those who jumped on at 217k, I tip my hat to you. For those who didn’t, it might not be too late! As the great Stewie Griffin stated, “it doesn’t matter how you find the pot of gold, only that you beat the leprechaun.” Taylor Adams (126) has averaged 113 in his past 3 and is lighting it up! However I wouldn’t rush to this pot of gold… Yes that completely went against my quote. Moving on.

The Sunday Chops

Michael Voss. Michael bloody Voss. I like to compare Voss to King Joffrey in Game of Thrones. He is ruthless and enjoys inflicting pain on others. This weekend he gave Mayes (31) the green vest and played Rocky (83) at full forward. I thought that was so last season! Mayes needs to go this week, he made some quick cash but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel with Brisbane’s fixtures. When Birchall (36) owners saw him up against GWS I’m sure they would’ve been licking their lips. Anything other than a ton would seem like a failure. Now a half ton would have looked nice. These ridiculously low scores by our so called ‘premiums’ is being taken to new levels each week. Long gone are the memories of Hartlett (59) being the in-form defender in DT. He has taken shit to the next level. We all thought it couldn’t get worse after a 37 and a 32. Surely at least a half-hearted (geddit) performance will be shown. How ****ing wrong was I? Not only did he score a painfully weak 59, but he wasn’t even tagged! To make things worse, he’s gone and punched Murphy twice in the guts and hit him with a forearm to the head. Luckily we won’t need to see him playing for a couple of weeks, not that you noticed him anyway. Gawn. G. A. W. N. Gawn. Wines (68) isn’t living up to his name unfortunately. Wines usually get better with time, however he is slowly sliding backwards. We can’t expect too much of the kid, and he will be a gun in years to come, but he has to be on the chopping block this week. What’s happened to Joel Selwood (69)? He’s been a gun ever since debuting and this looked like the year to take him to super premo level. Geelong has stepped up again, but not on the back of their inspirational captain. Don’t jump on until he shows some consistent form. Those who snuck in Wellingham (8) would have been feeling good for a couple of weeks. Now they will ponder the meaning of DT. Unlucky! Wright (45) has obviously taken a joke too far aimed at Brendon Sanderson. He’s been subbed again! What did he do wrong? Dump as quick as you can, who wants the worries of a vest with one of their premiums. Finally Sh*tfield (36) has overstayed his welcome, if you still have him. You thought I had forgotten… you’re right, I had. How could I forget, I’m currently suffering third degree burns. At exactly 6:12pm EST on a Saturday evening there was a late withdrawal leaked. Did you hear it? That was the sound of 37,000 coaches lighting themselves on fire.

The Clown

I have touched on the issue a few times but seriously, the laws of the game committee need to wake up to themselves. First it was if you push, bump or block in a marking contest, specifically two actions, then a free against would be paid. That only happens, I dunno, 150 times a game? Then it was looking for a full extension of the arms. So now you could half push them in the back. What about a three-quarter push? Then suddenly this weekend they are letting them all go, until Cloke takes a strong mark and gets ridiculously penalised. Again. Confusion continues to reign supreme. The worst thing is that Gieschen can come out and defend the free kick paid against Cloke, but then ignore the other 100 times it happened this weekend. Just scrap the bit part rules and have a clear, simple push in the back rule. Like its always been. The umpires are confused, the players are confused, everyone’s confused yet nothing changes. Don’t fix what ain’t broken. Rant over.

What we’ve learnt?

• There’s nothing like the sight of some gold locks running around a football field. Especially when those locks are laying tackles like there’s no tomorrow.
• Waters is a man’s DTer. You cringe watching him back into every pack and scream “Don’t do it!”. You open your eyes and there he is getting another +6. One day I fear we’ll look and see his body in 3 separate pieces.
• Nic Naitinui would have created one of the AFL’s best moments in recent memory. Terrible shame an umpiring call will somewhat dour it. An umpiring call that was fair based on the last 12 months! He got tackled in the head? Alright enough, I won’t go there (I’m not saying I like it). Ok I’ve gone there, debate away in the comments…
• We won’t see the real Majak happen for another few years yet… leave him alone!
• Geelong need a serious kick up the ass when it comes to team news. They knew SJ was injured, cheeeeeeers for letting us know. ****.
• Swan you’re fat! Now please go and become a slut again *bursts into tears*
• Stokes has been played with like a circus lion. He’s been on a leash up forward for his whole career, now he’s broken the chain. Do you really want to be the guy getting mauled by the possessed lion in a crucial league match? He’s a lion (*man) on a mission, get on board!
• One thing about fallen premos is this. They actually have to stop falling to have any value. Step up Buddy and Boyd. And Birchall. And Hartlett (no touchy!). AND SELWOOD! Some kind of form, no matter how slight would be much appreciated lads. I see Deledio and JPK as our only options this week. Even then I’m not convinced long term… First world problems.
• I wouldn’t be surprised if Lower smells of Gazza’s you know what after Saturday. He saw a lot of his backside and got completely shat on.
• There is one man like no other. He can do things that no one else can do. He can bend the ball backwards. He can even put the ball on a string. Some say he’s a shadow of his father, Swan says “I am your father”. All I know is that, he’s Bald Jesus. (That was quite a deep reference, so kudos to those who catch on).

This game sh*ts me

Late withdrawals. Seriously they shit me through the roof. If you know a player is injured, just name them. Please. DO NOT suggest a rolling lockout though, I’ll most likely become depressed. It’s just a part of the game. A shit part of the game. And that’s why this game shits me. (Voss gets the minor medal for shitness this week.)

The other bits and pieces.

Well, where to next? I’ll just hope to the DT gods that I have no injuries in the lead up to and during the byes. There’s a thought. Byes. Start planning! It won’t take much this year, however if you find yourself out of balance then you may well be waving goodbye to your season. Continue to filter the rooks out of your team, obviously leave Vlastuin and O’Meara for last. They are jets! I had a solid score this week, notching 2157. I’ve seen a lot of monster scores around me, I suspect 2100 will be around par. Knee-jerk the frustration out of your system in the comments and look forward to a few joyful rage trades this evening! Cheers.

If you enjoyed my raging and want a hittable punching bag when sh*t goes tits up, follow me on twitter @MattCraigDT. My views are honest, mostly helpful and occasionally entertaining! Also hit me up with any suggestions for who you thought were the Legends, Losers and Clowns, plus what you’ve learnt the past week. I value everyone’s opinion!