I’m honestly struggling to find the urge to write. I’m ****ing sorry but Waters……. why even name him if he isn’t going to play! Such a load of bull****. As if there wasn’t enough backline carnage in the lead up, the player I trade in doesn’t even line up. Worst tasting donut ever. I actually had Hibberd in 3 minutes prior to lockout, but decided to trade Gibbs to Waters instead. That’s not a typo, I was about 150 seconds away from avoiding disaster. That went well. Yet alone the fact my 4 Brisbane players are struggling to make even rookie like scores. Just to make things better Scotland is going to run riot, while my Melbourne rooks add even less respectability to my horrific score. If you think this article will be me being completely bitter… you’d be exactly right. It’s time to knee-jerk! *Warning* *This may or may not have been written immediately after Waters withdrawal*
There was actually some positives amongst the carnage, believe it or not. Fixing my defensive woes stopped me from trading Dangerfield (145). I’ll take it, he is a star when allowed to run free. Unfortunately I can’t see him getting that freedom again next week… Steve Johnson (136) is a DT king. It took me 3 seconds of watching the game to see him get a cheeky +6 in the defense and his tackling pressure is as good as ever. 30 disposals, 8 marks and 5+ tackles per game? Add in a couple of cheap goals and you have yourself a pig. Speaking of pigs, Bartel (138) put in a performance worthy of a pig of the year award. He notched a lazy 64 points in the final term, 60 of them in the back pocket. Tek a bow son. Scott Selwood (119) continued on his merry way while Riewoldt (113) backed up again with a solid score. Jones (108) is my weekly hero. On 17 at half time, I was losing faith in DT pretty quickly. Nek minnit, I see him in the 60s… in the same term. A 91 point half by a rook?? Legend!
The Sunday Chops
Ah deary me. Where to begin? Watson (54). I get full on heebie-jeebies (yes, they are a thing) when I think of this score. Is that some kind of sick joke? Oh you were playing GWS? **** off. You can all laugh at me, everyone is being delivered a Round 9 gift in the form of a sub 500k super premo. Now I’m laughing though, Cotchin (62). I thought you were meant to be the next Ablett, not the next Dalziell. Ok, a bit harsh. But lift!!! Hartlett (32) seemed more heartless on the weekend with an abysmal performance to match even the poorest of rooks. I left him alone after seeing his past history with low scores. Ain’t nobody got time for that! My replacement did a lot better though, registering a grand total of 0. It leaves me wondering whether or not the hard nut of the AFL actually has a penis? Feeling sore are you Beau? I hope 20 kicks in the nuts from the DTers you meet this week will help you bounce back. On second thought maybe stay under locked supervision for a week or two… Fyfe. You looked at the bloke before kicking him, well done for getting yourself an extra weeks suspension just to help our woes. ****head. Heppell. Another soft cock. What will we have next, Swan out with KFC poisoning? Ok no jinxes, sorry. Nothing is beyond reason at this point. Westhoff (33). Enjoy his record breaking BE next week, I’m going to stick my head out and say he won’t pass the double ton…But there’s more! Burgoyne (47), Birchall (50) both took our backline shitness to a new level with their best rookie impersonations. Then Grimes (12) broke his record run of 5 games without injury before going down with a shoulder. He’s gone for a while. Here’s my hot tip. Looking at things, if your player is fit, don’t trade him. The port boys were always going to have their bubbles burst, but way to time it guys… I’ve got more cows to cull than Indonesia’s cattle trade. Then I saw that Blicavs (65) outscored all these blokes in 1 half. Very funny DT gods, very funny. ****.
I can go no further than good old Razor Ray. Sorry, Chambo. He paid a push in the back against Scott Thompson that has to be seen to be believed. You cannot continue without checking it out, it’s more of a love tap. He applied about 0.00001 Newtons of force. In general the push in the back rule is becoming a joke. Apparently it’s now deemed by 2 motions in a marking contests. So it’s no longer just in the back? But then I see Cox push 3 or 4 times against the Doggies in marking contests. I’m confused. We’re all confused. Please give us some clarity! And consistency. Shocking.
What we’ve learnt?
- If DT starts turning to shit, look away. Don’t come back. At least until you can rage trade! It gets too painful to bear.
- The roar when Nic Nat came on actually combined for more noise than was heard the whole game. It was like being at the golf.
- Wellingham is better on a football field than he is on a trampoline.
- My 6 defenders combined for a total of 306. As Adam Savage would say, “Well there’s your problem!”
- Bartel taught us never to deny a veteran! They know how to boost their stats.
- Matt Jones turned on Ablett mode for a half, 20 touches!
- I’m left unsure has to what gender Beau Waters is…
- The DT gods were cheering on Crowley on the weekend. Tossbags stick together.
- Let’s be honest, we’ve learnt 1 thing. DT can be a shit game. When shit goes tits up it doesn’t hold back. It comes at once. Hard. It’s unforgiving shit. Unrelenting shit. It’s a lot of shit. There, I said it. Shit.
This game sh*ts me
Ah ok you want it, here have it. DT can shove it’s ******** up it’s *** why do we even bother with this ****. This **** is ******** and middle finger to whoever created this **** because even the rumour ******** was true ****. **** you world, **** you Waters, **** you Hartlett, **** you Watson, **** you Cotchin, **** you Birchall. **** you rookies. **** you Dangerfield. Wait. **** you Zorko. You know what, **** you DT. This game can be a pile of horse **** **** ****ing bull****. And that’s why this game shits me.
The other bits and pieces.
That felt good. This is slightly awkward as I actually managed a half decent score again even with Waters donut and Watson’s pitiful excuse for a score. 1964 pushed into the top 600, that’s from 37k a few weeks ago! Oh how things can change quickly *cough* Westhoff *cough*. My story isn’t the worst, trust me. Here’s a few unsavory tales from our readers… (Sorry no time to photoshop them in!)
Cam Want: Brought in Hartlett and Watson this week… D’oh! (I’ve seen a lot of these)
Anthony Gilberg: Traded Dangerfield to a rookie for cash….didn’t think of getting rid of Westhoff for gawn.
Wallaby Dingo: Heppell and Gibbs for Hartlett and Burgoyne. Matt Jones on bench.
Gabriel Voon: I traded out Dangerfield for Hartlett because I wanted to keep all 3 of Heppell, Gibbs and Goodes. I am not a smart man.
Alex Dillon: Upgraded Pittard to Hartlett with a break even of 40 odd, he didn’t just score terrible, he went below his b/e
Jason Demarte: Backline of Birchall, Hartlett, Grimes, Heath, Stevenson and Terlich for a total of 208.
Aki: Gibbs, Heppell, Waters, Grimes, Hartlett, Stevenson, Pittard, Heath + Vlastuin. A solid looking backline you say? 195. (admit it, you laughed)
I’m sure there will be many more tales in the comments, but at the end of the day you just have to laugh. DT will move on and hopefully we can all bounce back next week. This article is to blow off all your steam, so blow away in the comments below. Then you can enjoy the calm after the storm in Tbetta’s bullets as we push on! Hope that helped a few of you, I know it helped me! Cheers.
If you enjoyed my raging and want a hittable punching bag when sh*t goes tits up, follow me on twitter @MattCraigDT. My views are honest, mostly helpful and occasionally entertaining! Also hit me up with any suggestions for who you thought were the Legends, Losers and Clowns, plus what you’ve learnt the past week. I value everyone’s opinion!