The Sunday Knee-Jerk – Round 6

I’m honestly struggling to find the urge to write. I’m ****ing sorry but Waters……. why even name him if he isn’t going to play! Such a load of bull****.  As if there wasn’t enough backline carnage in the lead up, the player I trade in doesn’t even line up. Worst tasting donut ever. I actually had Hibberd in 3 minutes prior to lockout, but decided to trade Gibbs to Waters instead. That’s not a typo, I was about 150 seconds away from avoiding disaster. That went well. Yet alone the fact my 4 Brisbane players are struggling to make even rookie like scores. Just to make things better Scotland is going to run riot, while my Melbourne rooks add even less respectability to my horrific score. If you think this article will be me being completely bitter… you’d be exactly right. It’s time to knee-jerk! *Warning* *This may or may not have been written immediately after Waters withdrawal*

The Legends

There was actually some positives amongst the carnage, believe it or not. Fixing my defensive woes stopped me from trading Dangerfield (145). I’ll take it, he is a star when allowed to run free. Unfortunately I can’t see him getting that freedom again next week… Steve Johnson (136) is a DT king. It took me 3 seconds of watching the game to see him get a cheeky +6 in the defense and his tackling pressure is as good as ever. 30 disposals, 8 marks and 5+ tackles per game? Add in a couple of cheap goals and you have yourself a pig. Speaking of pigs, Bartel (138) put in a performance worthy of a pig of the year award. He notched a lazy 64 points in the final term, 60 of them in the back pocket. Tek a bow son. Scott Selwood (119) continued on his merry way while Riewoldt (113) backed up again with a solid score. Jones (108) is my weekly hero. On 17 at half time, I was losing faith in DT pretty quickly. Nek minnit, I see him in the 60s… in the same term. A 91 point half by a rook?? Legend!

The Sunday Chops

Ah deary me. Where to begin? Watson (54). I get full on heebie-jeebies (yes, they are a thing) when I think of this score. Is that some kind of sick joke? Oh you were playing GWS? **** off. You can all laugh at me, everyone is being delivered a Round 9 gift in the form of a sub 500k super premo. Now I’m laughing though, Cotchin (62). I thought you were meant to be the next Ablett, not the next Dalziell. Ok, a bit harsh. But lift!!! Hartlett (32) seemed more heartless on the weekend with an abysmal performance to match even the poorest of rooks. I left him alone after seeing his past history with low scores. Ain’t nobody got time for that! My replacement did a lot better though, registering a grand total of 0. It leaves me wondering whether or not the hard nut of the AFL actually has a penis? Feeling sore are you Beau? I hope 20 kicks in the nuts from the DTers you meet this week will help you bounce back. On second thought maybe stay under locked supervision for a week or two… Fyfe. You looked at the bloke before kicking him, well done for getting yourself an extra weeks suspension just to help our woes. ****head. Heppell. Another soft cock. What will we have next, Swan out with KFC poisoning? Ok no jinxes, sorry. Nothing is beyond reason at this point. Westhoff (33). Enjoy his record breaking BE next week, I’m going to stick my head out and say he won’t pass the double ton…But there’s more! Burgoyne (47), Birchall (50) both took our backline sh*tness to a new level with their best rookie impersonations. Then Grimes (12) broke his record run of 5 games without injury before going down with a shoulder. He’s gone for a while. Here’s my hot tip. Looking at things, if your player is fit, don’t trade him. The port boys were always going to have their bubbles burst, but way to time it guys… I’ve got more cows to cull than Indonesia’s cattle trade. Then I saw that Blicavs (65) outscored all these blokes in 1 half. Very funny DT gods, very funny. ****.

The Clown

I can go no further than good old Razor Ray. Sorry, Chambo. He paid a push in the back against Scott Thompson that has to be seen to be believed. You cannot continue without checking it out, it’s more of a love tap. He applied about 0.00001 Newtons of force. In general the push in the back rule is becoming a joke. Apparently it’s now deemed by 2 motions in a marking contests. So it’s no longer just in the back? But then I see Cox push 3 or 4 times against the Doggies in marking contests. I’m confused. We’re all confused. Please give us some clarity! And consistency. Shocking.

What we’ve learnt?

  • If DT starts turning to sh*t, look away. Don’t come back. At least until you can rage trade! It gets too painful to bear.
  • The roar when Nic Nat came on actually combined for more noise than was heard the whole game. It was like being at the golf.
  • Wellingham is better on a football field than he is on a trampoline.
  • My 6 defenders combined for a total of 306. As Adam Savage would say, “Well there’s your problem!”
  • Bartel taught us never to deny a veteran! They know how to boost their stats.
  • Matt Jones turned on Ablett mode for a half, 20 touches!
  • I’m left unsure has to what gender Beau Waters is…
  • The DT gods were cheering on Crowley on the weekend. Tossbags stick together.
  • Let’s be honest, we’ve learnt 1 thing. DT can be a sh*t game. When sh*t goes tits up it doesn’t hold back. It comes at once. Hard. It’s unforgiving sh*t. Unrelenting sh*t. It’s a lot of sh*t. There, I said it. Shit.

This game sh*ts me

Ah ok you want it, here have it. DT can shove it’s ******** up it’s *** why do we even bother with this ****. This **** is ******** and middle finger to whoever created this **** because even the rumour ******** was true ****. **** you world, **** you Waters, **** you Hartlett, **** you Watson, **** you Cotchin, **** you Birchall. **** you rookies. **** you Dangerfield. Wait. **** you Zorko. You know what, **** you DT. This game can be a pile of horse **** **** ****ing bull****. And that’s why this game sh*ts me.

The other bits and pieces.

That felt good. This is slightly awkward as I actually managed a half decent score again even with Waters donut and Watson’s pitiful excuse for a score. 1964 pushed into the top 600, that’s from 37k a few weeks ago! Oh how things can change quickly *cough* Westhoff *cough*. My story isn’t the worst, trust me. Here’s a few unsavory tales from our readers… (Sorry no time to photoshop them in!)

Cam Want: Brought in Hartlett and Watson this week… D’oh! (I’ve seen a lot of these)

Anthony Gilberg: Traded Dangerfield to a rookie for cash….didn’t think of getting rid of Westhoff for gawn.

Wallaby Dingo: Heppell and Gibbs for Hartlett and Burgoyne. Matt Jones on bench.

Gabriel Voon: I traded out Dangerfield for Hartlett because I wanted to keep all 3 of Heppell, Gibbs and Goodes. I am not a smart man.

Alex Dillon: Upgraded Pittard to Hartlett with a break even of 40 odd, he didn’t just score terrible, he went below his b/e

Jason Demarte: Backline of Birchall, Hartlett, Grimes, Heath, Stevenson and Terlich for a total of 208.

Aki: Gibbs, Heppell, Waters, Grimes, Hartlett, Stevenson, Pittard, Heath + Vlastuin. A solid looking backline you say? 195. (admit it, you laughed)

I’m sure there will be many more tales in the comments, but at the end of the day you just have to laugh. DT will move on and hopefully we can all bounce back next week. This article is to blow off all your steam, so blow away in the comments below. Then you can enjoy the calm after the storm in Tbetta’s bullets as we push on! Hope that helped a few of you, I know it helped me! Cheers.

If you enjoyed my raging and want a hittable punching bag when sh*t goes tits up, follow me on twitter @MattCraigDT. My views are honest, mostly helpful and occasionally entertaining! Also hit me up with any suggestions for who you thought were the Legends, Losers and Clowns, plus what you’ve learnt the past week. I value everyone’s opinion!

129 Comments

  • Bit of a mixed bag for me this week.
    Like so many others I couldnt do Hoff to Stevie J because of backline carnage.
    However in defense I was considering Gibbs/Goodes to Hartlett/Grimes.. ended up going with Shaw/Scotland, phew! that’s Matrix style bullet dodging!

    Not so fortunate in Supercoach.. Gibbs/Rioli to Birchall/Franklin.. utter FAIL! My luck to start bringing Franklin into my teams when he goes goaless two weeks in a row.. Buddy? Goaless? TWO weeks? WTFFFF???
    That has to be a career first for him, and thats why this game sh*ts me.

    The only thing keeping me happy right now is my ESPN footytips team which came 60th this week. Both teams on there are inside top 100 overall.

  • Absolute loved it Matt, your in the top 600, be happy!

    After being in the top 500 a few weeks back, I am
    Now somewhere in the 400’s, the only joy that is in me, is to see that my friend who
    is ranked 63rd, is only somewhat 300 points away from me! I’ve read mostly comments above mine, and from them Stevie J is going to be the most player traded in, but I have been thinking otherwise and would like go Roo? And because I still have Fyfe there, downgrade him Robbie gray because of his tempting price, then next week go wines Watson, but then I will have 3 port Adelaide players in my midfield.. Cornes, Gray and Mitchell…. Thoughts? Would be appreciated!

    • Of course I’m happy! Gray is a massive risk that is all I’m saying. I’ll continue to play it safe, perhaps 3 port mids is 1 too many also… It’s different though! I like it.

  • 4000’s*

  • Great article. Good belly laugh. On another note wholy s**tballs! I was sort of philosophical about my 2051 DT score (it seems this year is going to play out with each round having one DT leet player forget to turn up and play like a busted nag) this weekend until I read this article logged in to the DT site and saw it netted me the 379th highest score for the round!!! It’s kind of a Bradburyesque performance, but I’ll take it. And now with Dangerfield (at least for one round) pulling his head out of his a$$, I actually think I might be able to start on some team building trades rather than my usual ‘patching f***ups’ trades. Oh happy day.

  • hilarious stuff. great read.

    i jumped off the hoff last week, because he had turned back into a pumpkin, knowing full well that i would eat a donut for it.

    glad i did as the alternate was bringing in hartlett.
    my move to byrnes didnt make much more points than hartlett, but beat his BE and made me some cash.

  • Is now the time to look at trading buddy ? And would you down grade or up grade ?

    • BE of 165 after a couple of low scores so he will drop about another 30K to 40k, maybe more as he plays Sydney this week. Next week or the week after at the earliest.

  • Lol yeah DT sh*ts me of late too

    Anyone know was is going on with Dixon? I can’t get any info on his injury?

  • Could anyone do me a huge favour and tell me the break evens of:

    Daisy
    Stevenson
    Heath
    Buddy
    Priddis
    Stevie J

    ???

    Thanks

  • Great article mate and your feelings on Waters sums up how I felt about trading Grimes in for Gibbs :(

    I am a Demons member and it gutted me D':

    1878 takes me to 2272 overall so still doing ok. Running out of trades in other games but DT and 2 trades a week is easing the pain. Gonna be Grimes to Vlastuin and Dwyer to Thomas if all goes well

  • What’s with all the whinging? We all had bad luck which makes it irrelevant. I scored 1909 which I’d normally be pissed off about but this week it was actually above par. It’s a bit silly saying I had a predicted 2100 but got 1700. Boo hoo. We all did. Sure some really copped it (ie grimes and waters) but I’m pretty certain
    Anyone with half a clue about DT would have scored well below par this week.

  • My team has been turning up turd scores week after week, but this round went to depths not seen before I discovered this great site back in 2010:

    BACK
    – (Trade 1) Gibbs out > Birchall in

    What could go wrong? Sure, Birch had a quiet Round 5 compared to earlier rounds but he’s the highest averaging defender; surely he’ll bounce back?? Well, we all know how that turned out…

    – (Existing) I have four defenders from Port…enough said.

    – And to top off my glorious backline: hey, there’s Luke Brown.

    MID
    – (Trade 2) Fyfe out > Ablett in: perhaps my first good trade of the year; though one can argue: you idiot, why didn’t you have Ablett from the start??? At least I didn’t get Watson; be grateful for small mercies I guess.
    – (Existing) Deledio and Dangerfield; at least the latter got a good score (finally). For the former, ‘The Age’ has this story that definitely translates to his weak DT performance:
    http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/deledio-defends-his-patchy-form-20130505-2j17c.html

    RUCK
    – Sam Jacobs, no ‘berger. Another idiot decision to go against the crowd with two ‘premium’ rucks (Cox being the other; I’m stupid, but not so stupid to not have Cox.)

    FWD
    – Westhoff and Franklin.

    We probably all knew the ‘hoff wouldn’t maintain his huge scores but to drop so far is astounding. Surely his new BE is close to record levels for a non-injured player; for that reason alone, he must go from every team who still has him.

    Though Buddy’s arrival in my team against North hasn’t been the greatest move timing-wise with scores of 62 and now 53 AND with the next game being against the DT-unfriendly Sydney, the glimmer of hope is that the upcoming match against the Swans is at the MCG, where he scored 132 last time. And of course, the ensuing opponents are GWS, GC and Melbourne.

    Thanks for listening.

  • You know there has been some carnage about when a score of 1943 is enough to send you up the rankings from 817th to into the top 400

  • Jack

    Should wines go before molony

  • my team :
    def: goddard, hartlett, stevenson, terlich, waters, vlastuin. (pittard, docherty)
    mid: swan, ablett, cotchin, wines, JPK, moloney, omeara, viney. (b.goodes, evans)
    ruc: cox, jacobs. (blicavs, currie)
    fwd: rockliff, bartel, JJK, sylvia, mayes, macaffer. (dwyer, rowe)

    Money left: $414,500

    any thoughts on trades this week?
    not too sure what to do.

    advice would be appreciated

  • Legend: Franklin for stinking it again (I dont have him)
    Loser: Me for jumping on Birchall and Harlett
    Clown: Me for persisting with Sammy Jacobs

  • Brak

    Over the last two weeks I have “upgraded” my backline bringing in Birchall and Hartlett who combined scored less than Hibberd, Ellis, Harry O (WTF).

    Big Sauce Jacobs, your highest score this year is 82, if you don’t crack the ton against GWS you are gone.

    Luckily the carnage was so widespread even a shit score moved my ranking marginally higher.

  • How’s this for carnage?
    Watson (C) 54
    Mayes 65
    Cotchin 62
    Macaffer 59
    Jacobs 55
    Birchill 50
    Kommer 42
    Terlich 41
    Stevenson 33
    Westhoff 33
    Hartlett 32
    Waters 0

    Thats 12 out 22 players that scored 65 or less for a score of 1579! Some 400+ below my season average. It is my lowest ever Score including last years bye rounds! I dropped over 30,000 places on the leader board. What a **** of a week!

    • Hi Simon, seeing your players has saved me from booking a one night stay in Calvin’s shed. Terrible luck for you; I’m sure you’ll bounce back.

    • haha fark mate, that is rough!

  • The only good thing to come out of this week is that at least I know Cotchin won’t be tagged – he’s doing a pretty good job of tagging himself out of it. Take a couple of days off Cotch, lie on a beach and relax… Oh and anyone who linked the word Hoff with the label Richo role should be promoted to a speech writing role in a Minister’s office ASAP.

  • 1758 Could be better – traded in Hartlett for Pittard. Could be worse – flirted with trading Bartell for Mayes all week giving Westhoff another chance, but in the end went Westhoff to Mayes. Could be great – won my work league by 1 point.

    Ablett and Daisy in for Libba and Wright this week.

  • Matt, that’s the funniest sh*t I’ve ever read. Still laughing. Had an equally sh*t round. Traded out Gibbs & Heppel; had Chappers named then left out (donut), Goodes (donut), Hartlett, Jobe, Birchall as well! Rampe & Blicavs my only playing emergencies. Traded in Burgoyne (I swore last year I’d never buy him again and wished I kept my promise) and StevieJ – the only bright spot for the round. Hodge finally broke the ton again, but I’ve lost patience with Zorko and JPK…. but with 4 rookies (avg 30-50 p/round) to trade, not enough trades to ditch the pseudo primo f*@$%wits I used to consider guns. Gotta laugh. Finally, what’s the point of having DPPs? The few named get suspended or injured and within 5 rounds, the plan and team structure busts like Brisbane promise to win 10+ games this year. For the record, I don’t think Vossy’s the problem – he’d do better naming the Coorparoo U9s this weekend. I barrack for the Lions but couldn’t wait for the start of the Doggies game yesterday to put me out of my misery. Laugh, mate I’m bleeding. All the years in DT I’ve finished top 8 – languishing in 18th with no sight of a reprieve. Hope they’re handing out the Kleenex at the Gabba this weekend. Keep the laughs coming… the steam is subsiding a little, and hopefully some lick will come my way this weekend, eg Chappers plays.

  • Is anyone doing as bad as me? 1,707 and ranked 30,993.

  • My Team Thoughts on Trades:

    DEF: Goddard, Heppell, Hartlett, Waters, Terlich, Pittard(Frost,Goodes)
    MID: Swan, Watson, Pendulbury, Ablett, Cotchin, Moloney Wines, O’Meara(Rampe, Williams)
    RUCK: Cox, Leunberger (Osborn, Moller)
    FWD: Rockliff, Lecras, Bartel, Kennedy, Mayes, Macaffer (Dwyer, Williams)

    Thoughts on Trades I was thinking Kennedy to Johnson and either Moller to Daw or downgrading Waters to Vlaustain or even Pittard to Vlaustain.

  • This is the funniest article I have ever read on DT. I think it’s even funnier because we can all feel the pain your in – luckily for us, most of us haven’t had quite as much of it. I often giggle when reading an article, occassionally laugh out loud but have never belly laughed so much with tears rolling down my cheeks. Well done Matt.