Dicks of Dream Team

After reading that tbetta (who always produces top flight material) had suggested Chris Masten, I thought it was about time there was a corresponding series outlining the Dicks of Dream Team.  These aren’t the Presti or Glass type guys who are poor DT scorers due to position and roles, these are guys who are actually worth considering – on paper at least.

Chris Masten

Only a few blokes have murdered more squads in as short a period as The Mastenbator.  He has been touted as a bargain almost every year of his career from a gun rook and now a potential break out bargain.  CuzLite is a book who should be judged by his cod-ordinary cover.  He’s every bit as bad as he looks.

Why Should I pick him?

Tbetta knows his stuff and is not stupid and he rates him, so there is that.  The stats he gave us were sexy weren’t they.  You can also add that CuzLite’s ability to turn the ball over with either hand or foot means he won’t get a tag – ever.  He’s also running really far and really fast in the pre-season.

Why Shouldn’t I pick him?

Because he can’t play.  Forget the track times he’s doing.  Many, many others have proven time and again that running away from your shadow is no indication of a good scoring season ahead.  This bloke is the worst type of DT bait.  He’ll hook you in with tasty looking treats, and then stink up your squad for the rest of the year.

Summary

Think how happy you’d be to see this name in your mate’s team in league play.  Think of all the jokes you can post in the Box about how dumb that mate is to grab a can of CuzLite and open it up.  Now imagine being that mate.  It isn’t worth it, even if he pays off, someone will have paid off more.

Avoid Rating – 11/10

Patrick Dangerfield

Cue angry responses from all Adelaide fans.  “He’s a beast”, “Maybe the best athlete in the AFL”, “Outran Stevie Hill twice in one game and almost kicked goal of the year”, “Built like Hulk and runs like Bolt”.  All these things are true, and here is something else that is also true – he’s in to his fourth year this year and he’s only ever scored 100 DT points once – against Gold Coast.  I was at home sick as a dog that day and I scored 31 DT points in that game.

Why Should I Pick Him?

He’s a really, super-duper exciting talent and is another guy who is in the top shelf on the “exciting to see play” scale.  He once got 30 touches, 10 marks and 8 goals in a game.  It was under 18’s but that is still impressive.  If he ever does that in an AFL game you’ll win your league game for sure!

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Because he won’t ever have a 30 touch, 10 mark, 8 goal game in the AFL.  He’s a weapon of mass destruction but they don’t need to be used often to have an effect.  He just doesn’t accumulate.  Vince, van Berlo, Sloane and most especially Scotty T do the point scoring hard yards ahead of him.

Summary

He’s a real life stud and a DT dud.  He’s Adelaide’s Stephen Hill, he’ll excite like buggery and give you nothing in DT.  He is a DP but in this case it stands for Don’t Pick.

Avoid Rating 8/10

Heath Shaw

I’m guessing about 33% of DTers when confronted with the notion that Heater is a DT Dick would say “What?  Avoid the Heater show?  He’s a gun, a premoback and he improved his average 11 points last year”.  Another 33% would say “There is no way he has the same trouble this year, he’ll play all 22 games and his average will go up another 11points”.  The last section would say “Why am I reading another write up about Heath Shaw?  He’s a muppet.”  The last guy is spot on.

Why Should I pick Him?

Because I want you to. Because your mates want you too .Because he’ll have 6 or so  games this year when he bags a 100+ points for you. Because he is likely to play the majority of the games and his bye is a Rd 12 bye which is rare in the top priced backs.

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Mostly because you then forfeit the right to hang a steaming pile of crap on anyone else who picks him when;

a)      He snaps a hammy making sure he’s “fitter than ever” or when he’s running from the cops.

b)      He does have another bet and claims he thought the ban on betting was only for last season.

c)       He gets suspended for getting drunk with Dids and stealing a box of Seeing Eye Dog puppies.

Also because as soon as any run of good form starts, someone will lay a tag on him and he’ll disappear for a few weeks, killing your team.  He’s like one of those mythical magic rabbit thingos, as soon as anyone looks at him, he disappears.

Summary

You know how some people are as dumb as a box of spanners?  Well Heath is as dumb as a box of those people.  Heath is that rare kind of stupid, he could Stupid for Australia at the Olympics.  He could match it with anyone in the NRL off the field.  Something will happen to take him off the park this year.  Enjoy the stupid, don’t suffer from it.

Avoid Rating 7/10

Colin Sylvia

What happened?  This bloke was once DT gold, albeit for only a short time.  He was meant to make “The Leap” in to the “premo, keeper, must-have”category last year.  Now he’s a punchline at a DT comedy club.  He could out stupid Heath Shaw this year and no one would be surprised.

Why Should I Pick Him?

Well, maybe because we all know that 5 chances just isn’t enough.  Maybe this last chance was the one.  THIS time he’s learned his lesson.  Getting booted from the Aussie F-Squad for getting “Didaked” before training was the real wake-up call he needed.  He’ll be out to make amends and pay us all back for keeping the faith.

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

He’s one of the rare guys in the AFL where nothing would surprise us anymore.  Take these two potential news stories for instance;

“Colin Sylvia set a DT record last night with 215 points”.

“Colin Sylvia was suspended for 15 games last night after being found at coach Mark Neeld’s house at 6am on Wednesday, in the garden, sound asleep, wearing a sock on his knob.”

It is hard to pick which of these would be harder to believe.His body is suss, his head is suss and his scoring dropped like a stone last year.  Why bother?

Summary

He should be someone else’s risk this year.

Avoid Rating 11/10

Cyril Rioli

It may be happening.  Is this finally the year?  Will we finally see it happen?  Has everything finally lined up?  Can we finally just shut up about this being Cyril Rioli’s break out DT year because this year he’ll spend more time in the midfield?

Why Should I Pick Him?

Like most teasers, he will give you a few absolute blinders.  He’ll tempt you in when you look at the history.  Look at that 159 pt game, that 143 pt game, that 151 pt game.  Imagine what’ll happen when he does that regularly by playing in the guts!

Why Shouldn’t I Pick Him?

Because he simply won’t do it regularly.  He’s an elite small forward who goes up the ground on occasions to make him harder to shut down.  Alistair Clarkson is a smart coach; he knows Rioli’s value is in the forward line wreaking havoc, not in the midfield reeking average.  He’ll push in to the midfield from time to time and he’ll have some massive games, but he’ll have many more games that leave you cold and leaking points.

Summary

He’ll woo you in and make you think you’ve won big.  Come the end of the season you’ll realise you could’ve paid 2/3 the price for the same output with some more thought.

Avoid Rating 7/10

Submitted by Tony Connors

80 Comments

  • More qaulity stuff , thanks Tony

  • Good Article but none were on my radar anyway…

  • Spot on Tony, got burnt by Rioli and Shaw in seasons past, will never pick these DT clowns again.

  • “he could Stupid for Australia at the Olympics”…. Best line in the write up!

    • I laughed when I read it and couldn’t get my self together enough to read it to my wife! Then giggled again when I read this comment, now for the very unfunny task of finding a suitable replacement!

    • I thought the line before was just as good.

      “You know how some people are as dumb as a box of spanners? Well Heath is as dumb as a box of those people”

      HAHA

    • well i should be in the stupid relay team for australia, because iv got shaw,even after being burnt last yr…..and spot on with the rest

  • Nice one Tony… Had Sylvia last year… Never again.. Is up there with Higgins, wouldn’t touch them if they were free and attached to Swanny’s right boot

  • yes, they can be very annoying players. Iv’e had them all (except masten) once in my dt career. But not this year! where’s shaun higgins?

    • As mentioned below I did submit a Missy Higgins one but it didn’t make the cut on the site. Fair enough too, it’s like saying don’t stand in front of a moving truck. You shouldn’t really have to hear it to know it’s a bad idea.

  • great article tony. although you did forget to mention that masten has a shit hair cut and shit tattoos….

    • who has diarrhea faces when hes injured (see picture abouve), hes got shit all over him

    • & shit bloke syndrome.

    • ye he might have sht hair and sht tattoo’s..but heez got a mrs that shts on the one you shat on by shting on ya mate in his shiter with his sht mrs

      ya shtman!!!

      • wcarey that is

      • tuppy aren’t you like in your 40’s or 50’s?

        • hahaha nar why???..and what has that got to do with anything…i dont get with my mates wifes…and i was just pointing out masten has a filth bird,,and i couldnt give a sht about his tats or hair.
          it doesnt stop me putting swan in my side,and if i thought masten would score well id put him in aswell

          i just wouldnt dog my mates ,but wtf has how old anyone is got to do with anything haha ?.40 or 50 lol,,i do know plenty of blokes that age that could still kick my arse though so dont know what ya point is

          • I thought you said some time ago you played AFL in the 90’s?

          • yes brappinalong i did,,still doesnt make me 40/50 and still dont know what your point is

          • Trying to suss out who you are mate!!! nothing else. You said you played with The King in a final wasn’t it?

        • yep got drafted when i was 17 played on scwash,laidley,the times we played north,in the ansett cup game and a scratchy at gabba drafted in 95 played in the sth freo flag team in 97 was in jail inbetween

          • Sounds like you’ve had some character building experiences in your life mate. Good luck for DT 2012

          • the sth freo side had,peter worsfold as capt
            david hart
            david hynes
            peter sumich
            heath black
            jess sinclair
            brad bootsma
            clem micheal
            warren campbell,,all them played afl so it was a pretty handy team,,i got drafted to fremantle after that game ,but quit,,was too immature at the time,,i only stopped playing country football last yr when i broke my ribs,and a spectator ran on the ground and king hit me infront of my kids haha ,so i called it a day

          • Very handy WAFL team indeed!!

            Hope the dog that punched you got some good old payback.

          • ye ya could say that, cheers mate same to you,,ill be happy to finish above my brother inlaw,that’ll do me lol…does anyone know what happened to the trophy cabinet from last yr (not that iv won one )
            someone else was asking me

          • dean rioli was in the side aswell,,he kicked 4 goals in the 2nd quarter….and nar the dog didnt get as much payback as i would of liked..i hope i dont run into him on the golf course one day hahaha

  • Higgins, Sylvia and Grimes are all on my cross-off list. Never ever again I’ll pick those DUDS!!!

    • I’ve had grimes in my squad all preseason till yesterday when I upgraded him to hep d… had the best nights sleep I’ve had in months

  • haha Dicks of dreamteam..i love it!, great idea. Ive never had any of the dicks in this writeup not even Higgins (may have in rookie year for a bit but not since then). Dodging dicks like a true hetro champion ;)

    • Thats a solid effort, last year I had Shaw, Cyril, Sylvia AND Higgins!!! grrrrr… Man did it kill me, none of them are making an appearance EVER AGAIN!!!

  • Nice work Tony, believe it or not I have never been burnt by Missy Higgins. In fact he I picked him up a few seasons back when he started at 200k and he returned me an average of 90! although I have been burnt by the likes of Shaw and Rioli…

    • You must be one of the few, I’ve never had him at the start but was dumb enough to bring him in one year which is definitely worse I reckon.

  • Heath shaws the only one I would consider but have never started with him for those reasons. Always tends to come up as a late season upgrade. But yeah pretty much all teasers or dickheads

  • Haha great stuff, I’m a Collingwood supporter and the stuff about Heath Shaw made me more than giggle! Thankfully have avoided all of these guys so far.

  • Love the title!

  • In the Hawthorn pre-2011 write-up I even warned people not to pick Cyril, but some people just never learn. Only needs 10 touches to have a good game, but that’s no good for Dreamteam.

    • Normally it is the Hawks fans who are telling me it’s time to take Cyril so kudos to you for knowing the real deal.

  • I still can’t figure out which option under Colin Sylvia is more likely to transpire. This article should be handed to afl players at the rookie induction at the start of the year.

  • I had two of these morons last year but then I was a relative Noob.

    Goodbye Colin Syliva & Missy Higgins!

    Never again…

    • and by the way if brains were dynamite Heath Shaw wouldn’t have enough to blow a hat of his head!

  • Waite a minute, havn’t we forgotten some one ?

  • Great write up. I would have had Higgins in there instead of Dangerfield. He might come back to bite you in the ass this year haha ;)

    • Thanks mate. I did submit one for Missy but it didn’t make the cut.

      Thanks to all for the positive comments. Good luck this year.

  • Good read a very funny read too, thanks Tony.

    To be honest I was keeping an eye out for Danger just to fill a mid priced spot up forward this just convinced me to look elsewhere.

    I had also considered Shaw as there isn’t an abundance of decent backs this year.

    I was burnt by Sylvia last year and got so frustrated watching him play for DT points.

    An opponent had Rioli last year, pulling out some amazing number and he equaled the difference to me not progressing further in the finals. But good figures once or twice a year is not quite what your after. Mind you nothing else matters when he’s got the Sherrin in his hands though…

  • Picking Shaw and Rioli is like looking at the sun – You know you shouldn’t but you have a go anyway.

  • Add Danyle “dickweed” Pearce to the list. A summer champion that turns to smegma the minute a tag pays him the smallest of attention.

  • Gave me a lol.

    “You know how some people are as dumb as a box of spanners? Well Heath is as dumb as a box of those people.” lol.

  • hahahah some of the funniest shit i’ve read in a long time! it was that impressive that i read it out to my family and they all pissed themselves laughing at the brutality of the heath shaw part and the fact that they could actually picture the second colin sylvia option happening :P
    you sir, are a gun!

  • I posted in an article at the start of last year that I didn’t think Dangerfield was the goods for 2011 and got absolutely slammed by some crows supporters (may have been they worked out I am a Power fan) and they were all saying that his season was going to be a blinder because he was in the midfield group… yada yada yada. I agree with you that he has a shitload of talent, but just doesn’t display it often enough.

    But hey, different coach, different game plan. Who knows.

    I did like the reference to Stephen Hill… very good one.

    • Yeah Dunny I’m certain Danger will never be a 100pt premo but with a bigger tank and more footy ‘smarts’ he should be an 85-90pt player and tear games apart with only 20 odd possessions.

      • Agree mate, I he won’t be a Swan or Ablett, but could be consistent but at 85-90 he won’t be in DT’s unless he keeps that fwd eligibility.

        • I’m a Crows supporter. But you’re right that Dangerfield will never be a big DT scorer. He’s a low possession high impact player. Judd is the perfect example of this type of player, he can be best on ground with only 15 to 20 touches. (And no, I’m not saying Dangerfield is as good as Judd, I’m comparing him to that high impact style of player).

          There are quite a few players in this category that always seem to get talked up for DT. Whilst you want them in your actual team, they’re no good for DT. Other examples are Stephen Hill, Cyril Rioli, Mark LeCras etc.

    • Every Adelaide player is “the single greatest rookie in the world” or “the next Gary Ablett” according to Adelaide fans…

      • Spot on!! As long time Tigers fan living is Adelaide it seems there are only two teams in the AFL

  • Came to my senses yesterday and gave Danger the flick (though will still kep him on NAB watch).

    I admit I do have Shaw at the moment. I mean…he’s just about done everything that he can do wrong offfield. I suppose there is the danger that he’ll do the one thing left, a Wayne Carey and sleep with Swan’s missus (I would!), but surely that’s a longshot and I’d give him the thumbs up for it anyway :-)

  • Every year it’s Dangerfield, Masten or Gray talked up, I haven’t gone down those tracks yet… There was a year (2010 from memory) when it was Kerr or Masten similarly price at about $270k/$300k and I almost gambled on the Masten break out only to take Kerr and watch him stink it up. Considered Rioli this year after looking at the stats (that 159 pt game, that 143 pt game, that 151 pt game) and reading “Clarkson has been impressed with Rioli’s efforts during the Hawks’ pre-season, and expects the 22-year-old to reach new heights in 2012 after booting 29 goals in 19 games last year.” Might reconsider after gaining this food for thought. Thanks for the article.

  • A few seasons ago I had Matthew Lloyd in my team purely so I could have the satisfaction of leaving him on the bench every week of the season. While I certainly didn’t come close to winning my league (did make the finals though), the satisfaction I got leaving that knob on the bench knowing he would never play far outweighed the reward of winning the comp.

    Not entirely related I know, but the article is about “dicks”, and he certainly was that.

  • I may be very biased here, but I’m still contemplating Danger as a forward mid pricer. Struggled DT wise due to playing as a forward, not as a full time midfielder. It has been said many times that Danger will play in the midfield in 2012, so if that happens he should average 85+.

  • Robbie Gray, Jack Zeibell, Jack Grimes, Shaun Higgins, Greg Broughton

    Some oldschool names for longtime players :

    Xavier Ellis, Josh Drummond, Andrew Raines, Brent Stanton with his ridiculous pre season form every year.

    Mark Coughlan nuff sed…

    • Bit harsh on Broughts I reckon. I know he Kerred us last year but he has given more than he’s lost us in his short career. I’m betting on him doing some reclamation on his reputation this year as well.

      • yeh ur probably right, i was gonna put in adcock but hes probs the same aswel.

        • True, the Adcock, Broughts, Heppell choice is a doozy. Potential cash and potential flame-out with all of them.

  • You left one out
    Shaun Higgins
    Avoid factor
    20/10

  • Probably the funniest article I’ve read on here..

  • I am a past master of selecting dicks…Cameron Bruce was my masterpiece last year

  • “He could Stupid for Australia at the Olympics” …………………. and he’d win Gold

    Classic stuff

  • I giggled like a schoolgirl.

    Great article. Love your work.

  • Quality stuff, spot on with Sylvia. I believe the second headline is more likely though. Ha

  • dicks of dreamteam,,great title,,and no mention of big cocks

    but apart from a laugh ,what ya learn is that higgins is going to be a very unique pick

  • Being a North supporter I’d suggest Daniel Wells for that list too.
    Wellsey picked up his game last year (a bit) but up until then he has been a very frustrating pick.

    Tom Hawkins could also feature there? Promised a bit but the only time he’s delivered was last year’s AFL Grand Final…

  • Tuppy = Troy Johnson?